Health Care Reform: The Big Losers

Okay, okay, we get it: Sweeping overhaul, landmark legislation, "bigger than JesusCare Reform," etc. Sure, covering 30 million previously uninsured Americans will help alleviate immeasurable suffering. But has anyone stopped for just a moment to consider those who now stand to suffer even more?

Emergency Rooms

For decades, they've saved millions of lives and staunched life-altering injuries. But they've also set millions of broken legs, doled out billions of cough drops, and told zillions of people that that festering red thing, "is probably not herpes." Who among us can forget that entire thrilling season of E.R. about what turned out to be a mistaken lint allergy? But now "America's Random Care Specialists" will tragically lose all that wonderful diversity of condition, urgency, and ability to pay. Good luck sustaining your business purely on customers who could die at any moment!

Pre-Existing Condition Medicine Manufacturers

America's spotty patchwork of coverage has long disadvantaged those with the poor foresight to develop expensive, chronic maladies before applying for health insurance. (It's called "time management," people!) But it's also long provided a vibrant market for the those servicing the unserviceable -- from "Dr. Hornswoggle's Miracle Elixir for the Heretofore-Ailin'" to modern-day remedies like "Too-Late Tylenol" and "Placebotussin."

Those Last 5%

According to the Congressional Budget Office (the officially designated "nerd" of Congress), the bill will cover 95% of Americans. So how lame do you have to be to not even get in on that action? Imagine being a child who doesn't qualify, having to go to school every day only to be taunted with jeers of "How's it going, Five-Eyes?" "Hey look -- if it isn't Fiverush Finkel!" "Well well well -- Fivel goes west!" (Kids today can be so cruel -- and surprisingly well-versed in 90s pop culture.)

Canada

Let's face it, we get their most talented musicians, comedians, and junk foods. So beyond Roots clothing and our imaginary girlfriends, universal health care is just about all our neighbor to the north really has over us. With the likely closure of Cheap Pill Bus Lines, the only hope Canada has of luring Americans over the border is somehow dragging us into conflict in Vietnam again.

Your E-Mail Inbox

It may have already happened to you: You've turned on your e-mail program or fired up your PDA, only to find an aching void where once 80,000 e-mails an hour begged you to call someone, sign a petition, or click on a magical red button directly wired to the genitals of Democratic Congressmen wavering on the bill. But now, post-vote, you wallow in a morass of personal correspondence, and mispelled offers for penis-enlargement (which, cruelly, is still not covered).

The Relatives and Co-Workers of Hypochondriacs

The new measure eliminates the lifetime cap any individual or family can spend on health expenses. You thought you were tired of hearing about Aunt Sadie's "curious throat-markings" or Reggie from HR's "touch of leprosy?" Just wait until those attention-hogs are freed up to full realize their burning passion for MRIs and pap smears.

The Mayans

In order to stay within budgetary parameters, many of the key provisions in the Act don't take effect until 2014 -- a full two years after the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world as we know it. Talk about a vote of no confidence in our long-extinct brethren to the South. Between this and what's referred to as "The Recent Spanish Unpleasantness," this has just not been their milennium!