Science Says... Stop Eating

Based on the aggregate opinion of the experts, it has been determined that food is no longer safe to eat. It has become so manipulated, fabricated, and subjugated that there is simply nothing acceptable left for human consumption. Of course, each belief is completely likely to contradict another but, on the whole, you should now be certain that nothing is fit for your dinner plate. There is an expert for every diet algorithm, and indisputable scientific proof for their convictions. From the authorities on dieting:

The perennial thematic pests:

Sugar. Unsafe at any dose. Tell Grandma no more cookies.

Carbs. Single handedly causing obesity. No more rice, pasta, bread, crackers, or grandma's cookies.

High Fructose Corn Syrup. Sugar with extra fructose... that stuff will kill you on the spot. Unclear if it's in Grandma's cookies.

Fat. Heart disease, inflammation, cholesterol. Nix the butter, bacon, whole milk, and Grandma's cookies.

Protein. Turns your insides acidic. No chicken, steak, pork, fish, or duck.

Fruits and vegetables are out, because they are now genetically-modified organisms.

Corn. All of it. Corn on the cob, frozen corn, corn tortillas, nacho chips... don't even think about it.

Sugar Beets. As if the sugar alone wasn't going to be the end of you, now it's mutant sugar. Grandma's cookies are definitely out.

Soy. Besides containing estrogen-like compounds, which could give you breasts, soy is also genetically altered. Cross traditional alternatives like soy milk and tofu off your Whole Foods shopping list.

Zucchini, chard, kale, bok choy, Chinese cabbage, turnip, brocollini, acorn squash, flax, rice. You thought you were taking the high ground with these ones, huh? Turns out, tainted by human hands.

Even your most favorite, go-to, safe foods harbor dangerous, naturally-occurring metabolic grenades.

Coffee. Furan and acrylamide.

Lentils and Beans. Anti-nutrients.

Whole wheat pasta. Gluten and WGA.

Lean chicken. Superbugs.

Fish. Mercury.

Apples, peaches, grapes, and any other fruit. Fructose.

And, whatever you do, don't cook your food.

Grilling. Gives you cancer. No more BBQs.

Steaming. Kills vital enzymes. No more veggies.

Pasteurizing. Ruins the stuff. No more milk, cheese, or yogurt.

Microwaving. Zaps away nutrients (even the Russians say it's bad). No more popcorn.

Frying. Cancer. No more stir-fry.

Roasting. Cancer. No more Sunday dinner.

But definitely don't eat it raw either.

Eggs. Salmonella. Don't even think about Grandma's cookie dough or that egg nog.

So, this season when you're trying to run through all the rules of your diet, just remember that nothing is safe. If it has carbs, fat, protein, dairy, vegetables or fruit, or if it's been cooked or it's raw, don't eat it! Take the advice from the experts, they have scientific proof that this stuff is really really bad for you.

On second thought, that may cause other problems...

Hmmm... maybe you should just use a little common sensibility. Perhaps this season, eating well-prepared food, made from ingredients that you recognize, in portions that are enough to fill you up but not leave you in a food coma, is a healthier idea.

Oh, and Grandma's cookies? Definitely have one or two. She worked hard on perfecting that recipe throughout the years and you'll miss them when they're gone.

Originally posted on 12/19/13 at