When Elijah Daniel was sworn in as the mayor of Hell, Michigan, this week, he immediately started implementing his agenda.
Specifically, he outlawed heterosexuality in the unincorporated community of 72 people.
“I was looking for a town willing to make me mayor,” Daniel told HuffPost. “They’ll do it in Hell for $100, so I caught a redeye to Michigan and got sworn in.”
Once he was in office, Daniel followed President Trump’s lead and attempted to ban a huge swath of people from his community.
“My ban is a copy-and-paste of Trump’s Muslim ban, but with heterosexuals instead,” Daniel said, taking some rhetorical license.
His mayoral proclamation explains that when he was growing up, he was often told that homosexuals would go to hell. But “now the heterosexuals are trying to take that from us too,” Daniel wrote.
So, as mayor of Hell, he would establish “new vetting measures to keep radical heterosexuals out of our town.”
To make sure his words reached as many people as possible, he posted the ban on Twitter.
Lest he seem bigoted, Daniel offered local heterosexuals a chance to stay in Hell for a price: Fork over $84,000, which they would get back after one year of abstinence from straight sex.
“Reparative therapy” to find one’s gay side was also to be strongly encouraged. The alternative: being forced to wear a scarlet H and cargo shorts in the town square every morning for some public straight-shaming.
Daniel meant the decree to be a prank, but was impeached shortly after he released it.
“That’s actually not a problem,” he said. “Everyone who becomes mayor there gets impeached. Most of the people who visit are same-sex couples who want to be married in Hell.”
Daniel’s political career may have been short, but he has sweet memories of Hell.
“It’s a great place to visit,” he said. “Donald Trump should go to Hell anytime.”