Help! I Think My Dog Is Supporting The Alt-Right

Was I so trapped inside my own elite dog-bubble that I couldn’t see this coming?

I’m saddened, but I can’t say I’m surprised. It was only a matter of time before someone in my own network found comfort in this despicable movement. I just didn’t think it would happen under my own roof. Or should I say “ruff”?

That’s right, in case you missed that incredible joke, I’m referring to my dog, Rex. Allow me to explain.

It all started a few weeks back. I started noticing some abnormal behavior. For instance, on our walks, Rex (who is a male purebred golden retriever) would start barking at the Black Labs and Irish Terriers on our street. Sure, I thought it was weird, but I didn’t say anything.

Things grew stranger. One day I came home to find him peeing on the latest issue of The New York Times — a clear statement regarding his thoughts about free press. “THE PRESS IS IN PLACE TO PROTECT CITIZENS!” I screamed. The next day? I dropped him off at the groomer for an appointment. When I picked him up his hair was extremely short on the sides and long on top. I certainly did not ask for that haircut. “What in Elizabeth Warren’s name is going on?” I thought. To make matters worse, I found 12 Twitter accounts (all with egg avatars) attached to our IP address.

That’s when I began to talk to my friends. Was I this out of touch with the Middle-America dog community? Was I so trapped inside my own elite dog-bubble that I couldn’t see this coming? I mean, I know white men support Trump, but white dogs? They thought I was just being paranoid.

I started having a recurring nightmare. I’d walk into my house and hear a muffled kind of sound. I’d follow the noise into my living room and see my dog barking into a burner phone. When I picked the phone up to see who was on the other side the caller ID would read “Richard Spencer” with a heart emoji next to it. I’d wake up in a sweat clutching my Barack Obama action figure.

To this day I still don’t know what to believe. I know it may sound farfetched, but given our current political climate I wouldn’t be shocked. If others are feeling comfortable enough to hold KKK rallies and openly support white supremacy, then who’s to say our dogs aren’t having similar thoughts? Do you know what your dog is doing while you’re at work?

Here’s a tip if you’re concerned. Set your TV to CNN when you leave in the morning. If you come back and it’s on FOX or if “Tucker Carlson Tonight” is being recorded, you know something’s up.

You can call me crazy. Heck, tell me I’m insane. Think what you’d like. But don’t be surprised if you see my dog on Bill Maher sometime soon.