Here Are a Few Things That Are SO NOT Sexy

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  1. A wedding dress stampede. (Who ever finds these Brides of Frankenstein worthy of marriage?)

  • A Black Friday brawl. (Such utter disregard for mankind a day after Thanksgiving).
  • A screaming match packed with obscenities. (Losing control of mind, body and speech is just unattractive).
  • Arguing with the card company to waive the late fees because "the Post Office never delivered the bill." (Unappealing but SO worth it when they concede).
  • The lady stuck in traffic making unladylike gestures, scrutinizing and excavating every facial nook & cranny. (Seriously -- why can't I just look away?)
  • The driver in my rear-view mirror rhythmically plucking her chin hair out. (So fascinating that I might as well drive with the eyes in the back of my head).
  • Cheap, strong perfume. (The point is to seduce not repel).
  • Unclipped toenails jutting out of sandals. (Claws are for birds of prey; not for hot chicks).
  • Soggy bottom jeans. (When it comes to denim flares, a soaked bum is far sexier than sodden bottoms).
  • Waiting in the saddle for a pap smear. (There is nothing remotely sexy about this angelic position).
  • Swearing after bumping into something. Swearing to fit in. Swearing to be cool. (Simply swearing).
  • A haughty mind. (A hottie mind is modest, naughty but nice).
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