Here's What Happens When Women Refuse to Be Masturbation Sleeves

Couple sleeping in bed
Couple sleeping in bed

The language might sound harsh. But the message couldn't be any more important. Woman have to stop allowing themselves to be penetrated by men who think that putting their penises into a vagina constitutes sex, let alone pleasurable sex for both parties.

I have to think that the number of emails I get every week from women asking what's wrong with them that they can't come from penetration alone means that the message has still not permeated our national subconscious.

Women orgasm from external clitoral stimulation.

I want to say that again, just to be clear.

Women orgasm from external clitoral stimulation.

All women -- queer, straight, bi. In fact, all people with clitorises. The clit is responsible for orgasm. It is its only responsibility.

Sex is the pursuit of pleasure. It is not the putting of Tab A into Slot B. That is reproductive intercourse. It certainly can feel nice for a woman. But for more than 98 percent of women -- it is not the road to orgasm.

As a girl who used to sleep with boys and now only sleeps with girls, actually one girl in particular, I am now grateful for how much easier and more rewarding it can be to explore pleasure when the "how-to" is not prescribed. Figuring it out might seem daunting. But the truth is, as a queer girl, I do what feels good. I seek pleasure. And that is what sex should be defined by.

Freud sucks. There is no vaginal orgasm. The vagina doesn't orgasm. If you feel as if your vagina is orgasming, that is the result of those long clitoral legs that are inside the vagina. The bud you see on the outside atop the vulva is just that -- the bud. The clitoris is an impressive structure as long as the penis were it to be stretched out and with WAY MORE nerve endings. WAY MORE.

Eight thousand plus in the clitoris. Four thousand plus in the penis.

Having sex just for the penis' pleasure is certainly your prerogative as a woman. But I see very little reason why a woman would engage in sex with a man who has no interest in her pleasure. If that's the case, then the woman is merely a masturbation sleeve.

If it were me, I'd tell him to go buy himself a real sleeve instead and then go home and take care of my own business myself because I know what makes my body sing.

When I slept with men, I had my share of clueless Neanderthals as well as fabulous lovers who were as interested in my pleasure as their own. The latter were intelligent, enlightened men who knew that asking what worked for me made them more of a man -- not less.

When I began sleeping with women, and there was no penis to be pleased, no Tab A to put into Slot B. I suddenly became acutely aware of what sex looks like when there is no road map, when sex is not defined by how babies are made, no one leading the charge or determining the timeline.

The sex was pleasure oriented rather than goal orientated. We did what felt good and it was sex because it was sex not because it looked a certain way or followed a certain path. And it shouldn't be only queer girls who get to experience that kind of sex -- the kind that makes you feel seen, the kind that makes you glad you missed the latest episode of whatever, the kind of sex that leaves you unable to operate a motor vehicle.

Listen, if we're talking consenting adults here, you can have sex how you want and with whom you want. But stop with the vaginal orgasm stuff. It's a myth. There is NOTHING wrong with you and everything wrong with the ways we look at sex and how little information we have about the female body and how it works.

Wanting external clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm is not just fine and normal. It is how woman orgasm. Are there exceptions and outliers? Of course. There are always exceptions and outliers. So don't feel the need to tell me you're out there. I know and that's fabulous. Are there times when a woman might simply choose to receive and focus purely on her male partner's pleasure? Sure. Have it. Again, consenting adults -- do as you will.

What I want is to bust the myth and relieve women of the shame and the burden of feeling like there is something wrong with them. What I want is for women to stop wasting time on sex that has nothing to do with them. What I want is for women to say no to being a masturbation sleeve.