Hey Andrew Zimmern, I Want to Be Your Sidekick

To: Andrew Zimmern, Host of Bizarre Foods on The Food Network
From: Tracy Beckerman, Columnist at Lost in Suburbia
Re: Job with Your Show

Dear Mr. Zimmern,

First, I have to tell you how much I love your show! As an avid traveler, myself, I really appreciate the way you take a culinary approach to learning about a foreign culture. Like you, I think that the best way to get to know people is to share a meal with them; assuming of course, they are not vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, lasagna-free, corndog-sensitive, or Nutella-intolerant because those people drive me crazy.

I also have an adventurous spirit when it comes to food and have eaten my share of exotic dishes and things that could potentially kill you, such as puffer fish, fermented shark, and my mother's cooking.

While some people (my kids) think the food you are willing to try is "gross," "beyond disgusting" and "really, really icky," personally I think your adventurous palate is a thing of wonder. I love how you eat goat guts with gusto and fish eyeballs with such enthusiasm. Honestly, I have never seen anyone other than my dog slurp slugs like such a pro. You must be the envy of every foodie and aardvark on the planet.

So, anyway, allow me to put my cards on the dinner table, as it were. Batman had Robin. The Green Hornet had Kato. George W. had Cheney. You need a sidekick, too. Someone to laugh at your jokes on camera and bring a little femininity to the business of eating bugs.

Naturally, I think I would be perfect for the job. As a columnist who writes about life in the 'burbs, I am always looking for good material and I think nothing would be more entertaining for my readers than to follow along as I try foods that could poison, swallow or stab me. Plus, ever since I was a little girl in New Rochelle, New York, I dreamed of growing up one day to eat Fried Mutton Testicles, Pan Seared Dung Beetles, and Jellied Moose Nose. Having grown up on Gefilte Fish, I think Jellied Moose Nose would be a piece of cake.

I actually think we are a great match. You are willing to eat anything and I'm willing to write about anything. I've covered such taboo topics as which way my toilet paper should hang (over, not under) to how I survived my husband's latest bout with a Man Cold (I killed him). Yes, like you, I am considered a real risk taker in my field.

In all fairness, since I am asking for a job with you, I'm willing to offer you a job with me in exchange. Be warned, though, the work here as a suburban stay-at-home mom can be challenging and not without it's own dangers.

I too have taken my life into my hands in pursuit of food. If you have ever confronted someone with 15 items on the 10 Items or Less line at the supermarket, you know what I'm talking about.

They can be meaner than a moose when you're trying to jelly its nose.

I would be delighted if you would grant me the honor of an interview so I can tell you in person why I think I would be an asset to your show.

We can do it over dinner at my mother's.

Thanks for your consideration!

Most sincerely,
Tracy Beckerman

©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved. Follow Tracy on Twitter @TracyinSuburbia