Knock, knock! Hey European Union roomies, ol' Greece here. Sorry to interrupt your studying and everything. Quick announcement: I totally can't pay the rent this month. I was hoping you could be a bro and spot me some bread until I get back on my feet. You know I started a band, and I'm still figuring out the characterization and stuff for my novel. Also, I'm operating at a 15.4 percent deficit of my GDP.
Anyways, I'm in a real rough patch and need some roommate financial lovin. How much? Nothing huge, just a little paper to make ends meet, you know how it is. I think I'm gonna start tutoring SATs, throw some ads on my blog -- that should help put me back in the black. How much do actually I need? Forty-three billion dollars.
Whatever, it's just money right? Dude, we're a European Union. All for one and one for all; you know what I mean? When you guys are in a pickle, I'll totally help you out. It just so happens that I'm the one in the pickle. And it just so happens that I need 43 billion dollars.
I promise I'll pay you back.
Dude, it's me! Greece! We go way back. Remember when I taught you how to wrestle? Look me in the eye and tell me that wasn't awesome. I invented democracy, modern architecture, and I was into homosexuality way before anyone else thought it was cool.
No, I'm not coming on to you. I just need 43 billion dollars.
Forty-three bil. That's not so much to ask. That's like 30.7 billion street paninis, or 780 million monthly metro cards. You guys can swing it. England, I know you don't need that many crown jewels.
C'mon, the United States got 3.5 trillion!
Okay yes, maybe I needed some help back in 1974 during the Cyprus invasion. You know I'm paying you back for that. And I admit I took forever in getting my crap together for the 2000 Olympics, but who the hell do I look like: China?
Maybe I'm slightly irresponsible, but that's only because I'm a free spirit. Guys, I'm Greece! Just wacky ol' Greece being Greece! I'm totally the Kramer if the European Union was Seinfeld! Look, watch me slide through this door!
No, you're right. I understand. This is a severe, potentially catastrophic global crisis. We are not Seinfeld.
How did this happen? Well, I was filing my annual statistics to keep myself within the monetary union guidelines because you dudes are so freaking uptight about it. And you know I'm not a numbers guy, so I might have misreported my financial situation, allowing me to keep on spending at a loss... for three years.
In my defense, and I think this is fair: none of you were supposed to find out.
Fine, so maybe I need to be bailed out AGAIN, but it's not like anyone else here is so perfect. Italy, you have like nine girlfriends. How many times have I had to cover your ass when one of them calls? England, remember how I dragged Ireland out of your royal wedding after he had a few too many 'pints of fun?' And France, one word: Sarkozy.
You guys don't want me filing bankruptcy as a nation, right? Who knows what unpredictable market forces I could unleash. I'm pretty crazy. I'll do it, man. I'll do it. Okay, I'll relax. Just let me remind you all that we're the European Union, and it sure as all wouldn't be the European Union without ol' Greece. Right? RIGHT?
Shut up, Lichtenstein, nobody's even talking to you.
So please, can you do me a solid and spot me 43 billion dollars? You know I'm good for it. Oh, you don't? That's why you're putting me in austerity? You're clipping my wings, bro. You're clipping my wings. Oh well, I guess beggars can't be choosers.
While I have you: if you could ask your buddy Columbia for some weed that would be amazing.