Viktor and Rolf F/W 2008
If you said yes — or willingly obliged to reading this article—congratulations! You’ve practiced what is called, “Consent.” Woohoo! Go you! Read on for your reward. You can also click out of this, and not read along if you change your mind, which is totally allowed (and part of consent). I won’t get mad, I promise.
Never in one million years did I think I would ever feel the need to write an article like this. However, as I grow older, it seems like the age old adage, “Common sense isn’t all that common,” rings true. So, yeah, here goes.
I am writing this article because I am sick of my friends telling me about people making unwanted sexual advances on them. I am writing this because the fact that I know at least three people, all of which I consider close friends, who have been raped is completely unacceptable. Most importantly though, I am writing this because when something as dangerous as rape culture is happening right in front of your eyes, you cannot keep quiet. I feel like I’ve been quiet for too long.
If you want something you ask for it, you demand it, you use verbal and physical cues to signal that you want something in particular... Whatever that may be.
So, if I want a cookie, I say, “Can I have a cookie?” If the cookie is offered to me, I say some variation of, “Yes please.” Or, “No, thank you.” Depending on whether or not I want it. Seems easy enough right? Unfortunately, the lines between “asking for it” and consent, have become extremely muddled. Let me break it down one more time! All together now!
When you want something you ask for it, you agree to it, this is called consent. When you ask for something, you are essentially demanding what you want in whatever way you see fit. Physical or verbal cues usually. This is another form of consent.
In both situations you are allowed to change your mind. In both situations, you are never truly asking for something, or consenting, unless you have made it crystal clear that you are onboard with whatever is taking place.
If another person has to step in and help you make any type of decision, you cannot give consent.
If your motor and cognitive skills are impaired you cannot give your consent.
You are allowed to change your mind and not want to have sex. This is part of consent.
What you wear, and the look in your eyes, does not mean you are asking for anything.
Just because you have slept with someone before, that doesn’t mean that they are entitled to your body.
You are the only person who can decide whether or not you want something.
I can almost hear you saying, “Don’t we know this already?!” Well...
The guy who grabbed my boob and yelled, “nice bra!” before running into a crowd of people at a party on St. Patrick’s Day this year, didn’t know it.
The guy who took my friend home, because he wanted to be a “good” friend to her after she’d drank a bit too much, and then forced himself on her last school year, didn’t know it.
The guy who grabbed my friend, and tried to force feed her a beer in the back of a deli when we were 13, didn’t know it. (He told her, her tights and short skirt made her look sexy. She didn’t wear skirts for the rest of that school year.)
The guy who at first, locked my friend in her bedroom. Then, tried to drunk drive her to his place to finish the job quietly, only after her roommate wouldn’t stop pounding on the bedroom door screaming for him to open up last week, didn’t know it.
The guy who a close friend of mine lost her virginity to, a friend of hers, whom she realized she didn’t want to have sex with, and ultimately begged him to stop. No... he kept going because he—
Should I go on? Or, do you get the point?
What hurts the most is that in the end we always victim blame. We say, “Why didn’t you just stay sober that night?” “Why weren’t you more careful?” “How did you let this happen?” The truth is, the day my friend was attacked in that deli, she was wearing a coat that reached her knees. All of my friends who have been raped, were raped by people they knew and trusted. You can never be too careful. If you are a victim, you are just that—a victim. It is high time we stop normalizing sexual assault, and instead start coming down as harshly on perpetrators as we are on victims. This shouldn’t even be a discussion anymore. No means fucking no, that’s it, and this information is your aforementioned reward.