Hey Moron! Get That Crap Off My Street!


Hey moron!

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU.

Don't look around like you don't know who I'm talking to, you goofball.

Yeah, you, the selfish dumbass who's just dumped two plastic lawn chairs, or milk crates or orange cones or whatever crap you have lying around your garage, onto the street in front of your home, to try to save that parking space.


It's OK, you say. Because you shoveled out that space all by your lil' ol' self!

Wow! Now it all makes sense to me, it's so transparently obvious now...

Ummm, no, not really.

Boo-F@cking-Hoo! Cry me a river you pansy!

Let me slap some sense into your thick skull.

First, you do not, I repeat DO NOT, own the street--no matter how much snow you shoveled off the pavement.

The streets are owned by everyone. You, me, all the taxpayers. We pay for the streets via gas taxes and city vehicle stickers we purchase every year.

Street parking is first come, first serve. No matter the season, no matter the conditions, no matter if you happen to have your junk out on the street. No exceptions.

It's like standing in line, or waiting your turn. It's something you should have learned in kindergarten. It's a societal tradition that is so deep, so ingrained, it trumps this so-called Chicago tradition of using trash to save your parking spot.

I don't care if Mayor Daley and most of the alderman give you a smile and a wink and look the other way. They're a bunch of lilly-livered, frontal lobe-challenged sissies as well.

So unless you're old or sick or feeble, you have no excuse for being so pathetic.

Second, you're from Chicago. You live in the city. You're not some milquetoast suburbanite, who pulls into their three car, heated garage every evening. You live in a city where you have to park on the street. You're tough and strong, dammit!

Chicagoans used to be a brawny, hard scrabble bunch. Remember? Chicago is the "city of the big shoulders", Carl Sandburg says. People with character, strength and resolve. Individuals with a strong backbone and not a limp wrist. NOT a city of the fainthearted and weak spirit who are bothered by a little bit of snow shoveling.

What the hell happened? When did you go soft Chicago?

Have you been reduced from the "city of the big shoulders," to the city of "crappy lawn furniture on snowy streets"?

Third, it's not neighborly to hog a parking spot and throw a bunch of your personal flotsam and jetsam onto the street. It's unsightly, it's ugly, it's littering, it's uncool.

What happened to chivalry? What happened to a sense of community in our neighborhoods and on our blocks? Are you that self-centered, boorish and immature that you're gonna try to save that parking space with a folding chair? C'mon now!

So listen up nitwit! Here's what you're going to do.

You're going to take all that crap you left on the street and put it back in your yard or garage or basement or into a dumpster where it belongs.

Next, you're gong to take your show shovel and dig out ANOTHER space. That's what good neighbors do. That's how kind and considerate neighbors behave. That's how Chicago should act.

Now that you've reclaimed your self respect and manhood, you should feel better about yourself. Stand tall, stick your chest out and walk like you're from that big city called Chicago.

Got it?!?


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