"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Albert Einstein
Ah, progress. Technology races ahead, rapidly improving systems - systems outdated before understood how they work when they were still dated - while attempting to make life a bit better. But are those with brains, much larger than I could lift even before the arthritis kicked in, applying their facilities where aging humankind would benefit the most?
I don't think so. There is much more the great minds have ignored. Perhaps a new perspective, not of what the best and brightest think we need, but of what the everyday individual can genuinely use to have a happier and more fulfilling life.
Mr. Gates, Mr. Zuckerberg, Ms. Grandin, I hope you're reading this, because the following is what you and your fellow geniuses need to consider to make tomorrow's world survivable for us of the smaller and senior brain species.
The needs are in no particular order...
Anti-Lethologica Chip - A personal implant for anyone over 50 so they are able to replace the simple word we can't think of though I can't recall what that word is right now. In addition, there should be another chip to remember "what's his name."
Warning Leg - Cars now have a system that warns a driver of a car stopping short ahead of the car in front of the driver. It's about time that coffee table legs are manufactured with a sensor that picks up on rapidly oncoming toes. As an alternative, please supply inanimate objects the ability to hear so they can recognize just how angry we are at them.
Autocorrect Autocorrect - Social media and all related texting communications should have a process by which any autocorrect that corrects a word incorrectly is immediately and correctly autocorrected. #cameltoetea
Emotional Reply Delay - A time lapse system that postpones delivering the nasty words coming out of your mouth or the vicious message you're sending in an e-mail but allows you to see ALL the repercussions you will be triggering by opening your mouth or pushing send.
Telemarketing Redirect dial - Phone device that instantly forwards telemarketers' calls to the telemarketer's homes.
Project Completer - There's a plethora of half-finished novels, screenplays, porches, college degrees and any one of a gazillion activities that people start and never finish. The reasons for not finishing are far more than the amount of projects left undone so there needs to be an uncomplicated excuse-removing utility synced up with a perseverance-app that allows for project completion. (In the old days this was called a "plan")
If the app is unaffordable or unfeasible, design a recycle device where these bits and pieces of dashed hopes and dreams can be dumped to create fertilizer or something that in the least makes room for those boxes you have yet to unpack from your last move.
Tangled Intolerance - Wires, cords and Christmas lights have a natural inclination to uncontrollably wrap around each other, most often while the family sleeps. The result is a twisted cluster of assorted knots that are impossible to untangle, leaving you exasperated and ready to unplug from the power grid altogether. The solution is a simple case of harnessing the power of prejudice. Developing an imperceptible coating surrounding the wires that creates a bias against cords of different species will dissuade them from wanting to mingle with cables not of their own kind. (Not available in Arizona)
Anti-Stain Rays -For as long as there has been food and men to consume it, traces of sustenance have found their way onto their clothes. Since it's been scientifically proven that no amount of careful can protect a man from incidents of splatter the only answer is laser-beam encrusted clothing that reacts to incoming sauces and oil by blasting them into harmless dust molecules that never reach the intended target. Either that or develop a bib.
Interactive Avatars - "You never call." Which, of course, is one of the main reasons not to call. Please, come up with androids capable of replicating an adult child's voice along with appropriate appeasing phrases like, "I know," "tsk," and "I think I'll be able to come over next week."
Sandler Correct - An operating system that sends a searing warning siren throughout Hollywood whenever Adam Sandler thinks about producing a film with him or any of his friends appearing in it, automatically cutting off power to all existing film, video and audio equipment.
Steve Young is an award-winning television writer and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful." (greatfailure.com)