Hey NFL, We Fans Have Lockout Demands Too!

I say if the players and owners want to play hardball, maybe the fans should too. How aboutlist of demands for a better NFL experience?
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Here we are in June. School's out for summer. My bikini friendly six pack is slowly making a triumphant return. The humidity has turned my hair into an unrecognizable mass of debris. And yet, none of that matters because there may not be a football season in a few months.

The NFL lockout could come to a head this Friday when both sides return to court. A judge will decide whether to lift the lockout, putting players in a significantly stronger bargaining position. If the lockout remains, the owners hold all the chips. Meanwhile, all of us fans have realized that Super Bowl predictions this year aren't about which team will make it, but whether there will even be a Super Bowl in 2012. And frankly, fans like you and me are feeling the shaft. We want to support the players, but we know that at the end of the day their loyalty is to themselves. We despise the owners for their perceived greediness. And we can't help but wonder how we the fans, the ones who helped to build this game and make it the most popular and profitable professional sport in the country, ended up the odd man out.

I say if the players and owners want to play hardball, maybe we should too. How about our list of demands for a better NFL experience? After all, don't we have just a little something to do with this big jackpot everyone's fighting over? With my team of attorneys from the law offices of Franklin and Bash (premiering tonight on TNT!), I intend to present the following list of demands to both sides of this issue.

  1. Cheaper Ticket Prices -- Since you guys are now literally making more money than you know what to do with, how about you start making the price of taking one's family to a game more affordable than a mortgage payment?
  2. While you're at it, do you know how hard it is to look at myself in the mirror at halftime, knowing I just paid $8 for a Bud Light? (It also goes without saying that paying six bucks for a nacho plate that nine times out of ten will have a hair it in has never really felt right.) We demand $5 combo plates that include a soft drink and if we're going to be forced to spend close to $10 on a beer, we require selections that don't smell like cat pee.
  3. The exclusive deal with DIRECT TV doesn't seem fair on any level. Make it go away. Why should I have to get my cable knocked out regularly during what amounts to a strong breeze, just so that I can watch my home team play a few times a year?
  4. Don't be fooled by that long line of ladies snaked around the stadium and dancing from side to side. We're not doing a conga. We're trying not to piss on ourselves as we wait for one of the three restroom stalls. Fork over the cash for more ladies rooms ... and remember to keep the TP in full stock while you're at it!
  5. Give fans a chance to actually see their team play in a Super Bowl without winning a lottery, shelling out what would equate to the price of a used Corolla or kicking some stranger's ass on The Ellen Show in a jousting match. (This could likely be accomplished if the bulk of Super Bowl tickets were not doled out to corporate sponsors ... but that's just a hunch.)
  6. Darren Sharper (retired or not), Reggie Bush, Adrian Peterson, Terrell Owens, Miles Austin and Thomas Jones must be shirtless at all times. (Don't question the demands of the fans ... it's bigger than you or me!)
  7. Rex Ryan must wear a shirt at all times. We haven't seen him shirtless thus far ... and we want to keep it that way.
  8. Player romances with reality TV personalities are strictly forbidden. If we NFL fans wanted to see D-listers feign excitement while having no clue what's happening, we'd watch their sex tapes.
  9. Stop penalizing cool touchdown celebrations. If a player does a river dance or robot or a jacked up version of the Dougie, look the other way. (Unless it's any members of the Jets or Patriots ... or Roddy White. Yeah, go ahead and penalize them.)
  10. Allow female referees, damn it! We're smart, fair and I can assure you a chick can pull off a fitted, striped shirt a lot better than most of the male refs out there. Well, except of course for Ed Hochuli.

These are our demands, the bulk of which we expect to take effect in the immediate future. After all, player lockouts come and go. But fan lockouts are the one thing some sports never fully recover from. Just ask the MLB.

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