The supernova-sized chutzpah of the Bush family was on display Thursday when it floated a Jeb Bush candidacy in '08. Mind-boggling that this hot-bed of treason and corruption -- which has already spawned the two worst Presidents in history -- would propose saddling us with a third. But hey, it's happened twice -- why not again?
October 11th Republican front-runner John McCain and top advisers go down in a small plane crash near Elveth, Minn.
Oct 15th Justice John Paul Stevens 88, dies in the Supreme Court's private dining rooms after eating a mushroom omelet that has been 'accidentally' cooked with toxic toadstools.
Oct 16th At her home in Connecticut an intruder beats Ann Coulter to death with a Volvo tire-iron.
October 17th Several leading Republican contenders to replace McCain, Rick Santorum, Rudy Giuliani, Condi Rice, drop out of the race for reasons of "health."
October 18th The RNC announces Governor Jeb Bush as its replacement candidate.
Oct. 19th George W Bush nominates Robert Bork to the Supreme Court. Bork's nomination is approved by the Judiciary Committee and sent to the Senate on the same day. Most Democratic Senators, out on the campaign trail, are unable to attend the vote due to an irrational fear of flying in small planes. Bork is approved.
November 4th 2008. Thanks to a 96% black-voter turnout, Hillary Clinton wins the Presidential race, narrowly taking Florida, Ohio and Illinois. Jeb Bush refuses to concede, claiming that under the 3/5ths provision of the Constitution the descendants of slaves have only 3/5ths of a vote.
November 5th The strict constructionists on Supreme Court uphold the 3/5ths provision 5-4 and order a nationwide recount. Clinton loses the popular vote and the Electoral College tally. Jeb Bush becomes the 44th President.
Jan. 27th In his Inaugural Address Bush 3 says his mission is 'to complete the great work' of his brother. He unveils his first major initiative The Slow Child Left Behind Act. It mandates that slow children should be left behind and rotated out of school at 11 or 12 into the Federal Poorhouse System. From there they can go into exciting careers in the Army Catering Corps, Army Construction Corps and Army Latrine Corps.
March 1st President Jeb replaces UN Ambassador John Bolton with a rabid Rottweiler. It's some days before other delegates notice the change.
May 7th Connecticut State Police report that Ann Coulter's grave is empty and she has been seen in downtown Stamford chasing Volvos and trying to bite their tires.
July 4th Bush 3 expands his Cabinet with the addition of Jerry Falwell as Secretary of Salvation and James Dobson as Secretary of Family Values. Bush, Falwell and Dobson call for federal felony laws against blasphemy and witchcraft. Congress swiftly complies.
Aug 15th JK Rowling revives her faltering series with "Harry Potter and the Holy Goblet of Holy Blood." Harry is expelled from Hogwarts after finding Jesus and being born-again. He vows to wipe every last witch and wizard in England "off the face of Christ's earth" -- and proceeds to gun down Dumbledore, Professor Sprout, the Weasleys and the entire Ministry of Magic.
Mar. 14th President Jeb launches a pet project of Republican conservatives: returning the Statue of Liberty to the French. Congress can't decide whether the odious statue should be melted down and recast as a monkey in a beret or chopped up into various body parts and shipped back in a garbage scow. The House Foreign Affairs Committee orders a feasibility study to see if Liberty can be equipped with a warhead and launched at Montreal.
April 2nd Crippled by blasphemy lawsuits the New York Times and the Washington Post go out of business on the same day. Also on the same day the two biggest right-wing news magazines the American Spectator and the Weekly Standard -- immune from such lawsuits -- merge to form the American Standard. Asked if there might be confusion with America's premier brand of urinal, editor-in-chief William Kristol sticks by the new name saying no conservative he knows has ever used a public rest-room.
May 3rd For the first time a Pulitzer is awarded for Correct Spelling.
September 4th A gallon of gas reaches $9.11 Calling $9.11 a new front in war on the terror, Bush 3 launches 'friendly warning' nuclear strikes on all oil-producing countries: Libya, Iran, Venezuela, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Quatar, Yemen and Sudan. The message is simple: lower prices or the next strike won't be so friendly. The price of crude plunges from $270 to $19 a barrel. Republicans sweep the mid-term elections.
Feb-May. Reeling from their losses in Congress the Democrats move further and further right looking for an oxymoron like 'compassionate conservatism' that will resonate with voters. Suggestions include: Regressive Progressivism, Situational Bigotry, Tolerable Intolerance and Neo-Jim Crow. The Dean of Harvard suggests a 'deal' between evolutionists and Creationists: Everything before the Jurassic: created by God in six days. Everything after: as per Darwin. The Harvard School of Creationism rejects the offer.
August 15th With gas at an all-time low, the first SSSUV or Super-Size SUV is unveiled. The Nissan Nebuchadnezzar has a 25-foot wheelbase and can easily transport twelve adult passengers or, in the Bible Belt, six.
May 20th Cher turns 40.
July 4th With aging, overweight Boomers dropping dead by the thousands, a new federal regulation requires all public health employees to learn the Alzheimlicher Maneuver designed to save the lives of seniors who've forgotten what they're choking on.
Jan 24th The theme of Bush 3's 4th State of the Union message is God's covenant with America to keep the world 'safe for theocracy.' In their rebuttal the remaining 11 Democrats in Congress endorse this goal and announce they are changing their name from Democrats to Theocrats.
August 5th Ann Coulter is cornered in a churchyard in Bridgeport and a stake is driven through her heart. Her corpse is placed in a container full of garlic and crucifixes and sunk at sea 150 miles off Long Island. Next day during a star-studded wake for the Democratic Party, the container washes up on the beach at East Hampton.
It is empty.
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