Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband: I was thinking later we could—
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 10, 2020
Me: I have the coronavirus.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
— Mummy Dear 🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 18, 2020
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) March 21, 2020
Quarantine Day 2, Hour 689- I’ve become very aware of my husband’s toenails and I’d like to be voted off the island now.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 17, 2020
Shout out to my wife for always finding me something to do around the house during this quarantine.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 21, 2020
*Me losing at any game to my husband*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 13, 2020
This isn’t a competition.
*Points to a tower of Amazon boxes full of toilet paper*
— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 13, 2020
“Bet you don’t mind my “Amazon addiction” now, do ya?”
Husband: ...
Quarantine day 4 - Now Wife and I are communicating with each other, by rage loading the dishwasher
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 18, 2020
80% of marriage is repeating yourself.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 12, 2020
I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF.
If the quarantine doesn’t end my marriage, this certainly will.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) March 18, 2020
THROW 👏🏻 AWAY 👏🏻 YOUR 👏🏻KLEENEX 👏🏻 WOMAN 👏🏻 pic.twitter.com/EuklJrf2Ng
Today my husband replaced 4 of our toilets, 3 faucets, a mailbox, a dishwasher and started building our back deck.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 22, 2020
I watched 2 movies, took a nap and made oatmeal in the crockpot all while day drinking.
As you can see we are both living our best quarantined life.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 18, 2020
Like my kids saying, "Make us breakfast!"
And my wife adding, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN'T SICK!"
Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) March 19, 2020
Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally
Is it too late to sign a pre-nup?
— henchbeaver (@henchbeaver) March 17, 2020
Asking for my wife.
Me - When the dog gets his nails clipped is it a manicure, a pedicure, or a mani/pedi?
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 18, 2020
Wife - I hate that you're making me think about this.
Husband: Smells good! What’s for breakfast?
— Mummy Dear 🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 19, 2020
Me: Eggs Quarantine.
Marriage is all about spouses screaming WHERE and THERE till one of them dies
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 18, 2020
Husband: Want to get lucky?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 21, 2020
Me: Sorry, we have to stay 6 ft apart.
Husband: But we sleep in the same bed.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t make the rules.
Me: I might be working from home, but I'm keeping things professional.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2020
Wife: Can we have this conversation outside of the blanket fort?
Me: No.
Me: You know, one nice part of the quarantine is that we haven't been out spending money.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 20, 2020
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I told my wife the grocery store didn’t have something she asked me to get and, for the first time ever, she believed me.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) March 15, 2020
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
— Momma G (@TheOnlyMommaG) March 21, 2020
I never thought I'd be married to a man who says 'okie dokie' yet here I am.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 21, 2020
What level of quarantine is it when u reuse your wife's empty cereal bowl and spoon for your own cereal cause you don't wanna dirty a other dish?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 21, 2020
My husband asked me if I needed all that butter so applications for husband #2 have reopened
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) March 11, 2020
Before You Go
