Over time, married couples come to know certain universal truths, regardless of where they live, who they’re married to or how long they’ve been together.
For example, you’ll never, ever agree on the proper temperature for the thermostat, attempts to assemble furniture together will inevitably end in a fight and deciding what to watch on TV will always require some negotiating.
Below, we’ve rounded up 26 hilariously spot-on tweets spouses will identify with.
I describe my husband’s style as “Is that what you’re wearing?”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 5, 2019
I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 8, 2019
My husband was commenting on how soft my hands are and I told him my secret is all the housework I don’t do.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) August 5, 2019
me: [taking off shirt]
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) August 2, 2019
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
It’s 6 AM on a Wednesday so the wife and I have started our weekly discussions on where to go to dinner on Friday
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 24, 2019
12% of marriage is disagreeing on which plastic containers are recyclable.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) August 6, 2019
I know it looks like my husband and I are eating in silence and ignoring each other, but we're eavesdropping on you so we can talk about you in the car.
— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) May 29, 2019
Me: Turns thermostat down.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) August 7, 2019
Wife: Turns thermostat up.
Me: Turns volume up.
Wife: Turns volume down.
And round and round we go until one of us dies...
Went into Target for a couple items and my wife said “let’s not get a cart” and then we laughed and laughed and grabbed two just in case.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 6, 2019
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who doesn't see the mess and a person who rage cleans.
— Tired Punk (The Meanest Queer) (@motherlyqueer) August 1, 2019
Husband: Wow you were at the grocery store for a long time! Was it busy?
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 3, 2019
*reminiscing about the 45 minutes I sat in my car eating newly purchased chocolate pretzels and catching up on Twitter*
Me: ...super busy.
Marriage teaches you many things. One of them is how to say “I love you” passive aggressively.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) August 8, 2019
My wife was heading to a business meeting. I told her to bring a sweater because it might get cold out, and 3 Werther’s candies appeared in my pocket.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 8, 2019
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) August 7, 2019
“Are we gonna have sex or what because I have other things I could be doing right now.”
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 30, 2019
-How I proposition my husband
wife: when I said get a hobby I meant like golf or whatever
— brent (@murrman5) July 29, 2019
me making another batch of prison wine: I like this
Wife: You need to stop watching Chopped.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2019
Me: *eating hot dog salad with a Skittles puree* What makes you say that?
[assembling furniture]
— smerobin (@smerobin) May 27, 2019
Me: No, do it this way.
*marriage collapses*
Today is my husband’s birthday so I’m really hoping he gets good gift cards. I want some new stuff.
— Stacey (@skittle624) August 5, 2019
I've secretly replaced my wife's coffee with the empty toilet paper rolls she left in the bathroom. Let's see if she notices.
— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) May 23, 2019
Pleased to announce my wife and I finally completed a six hour negotiation to pick out the movie she’s going to look at her phone to while I fall asleep on the couch.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 10, 2019
“Tired?”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 9, 2019
~Married people foreplay
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 26, 2019
Me: (awkward silence)
When my kids aren't feeling well, I have an instinctual urge to sleep on the floor beside them for the night but when my husband is sick, I have an instinctual urge to leave the house for 5 days.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) August 11, 2019
me: *making two boxes of mac and cheese*
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) August 7, 2019
wife: cooking us all dinner? I love you
me: *grabs two more boxes* mhmm
just had my quarterly sexual performance conversation with the wife and I will not be getting a raise
— velour sweatpants (@Glennot73) August 1, 2019
Related
Before You Go
