And as it turns out, your partner’s little quirks are more universal than you might think. That means lots of other married couples are having in-depth debates about the best day to go grocery shopping, feeling irked by each other’s too-loud sneezes and roasting their spouse for just thinking about buying a pair of Crocs.
Below, we’ve gathered 26 funny and relatable tweets that accurately describe life as a married person.
Wife is going out tonight .... Who wants to come over and talk and ask questions during a movie?— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) September 13, 2019
Marriage is ordering onion rings when your husband orders fries so you can have both.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) September 15, 2019
My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”— 🤖 Karma Police 🐻 (@KarmaPolice238) September 4, 2019
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 4, 2019
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
ME: Can you pick up more protein bars?— Bison (@McGrumpenstein) September 9, 2019
WIFE: You mean peanut butter cups?
ME: *finger guns*
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 3, 2019
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) September 12, 2019
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 10, 2019
Five dishwasher loads per week is so much sexier than 5.2. Thinking about the $3.24 saved in water per month is erotic. That's marriage math.— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) September 9, 2019
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The longer you’re married, the louder he sneezes.— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) September 7, 2019
I show my wife who’s boss by not making up the bed when she’s out of town but I don’t tell her because she would be very upset and no one wants that LOL— Bart (@bartandsoul) September 14, 2019
Wife: I got turkey meatballs to go with the spaghetti. They’re better for you than regular meatballs.— the drake gatsby🦉 (@DrakeGatsby) September 5, 2019
Me: *building a snowman out of grated Parmesan cheese on my plate* I am the healthiest boy.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 12, 2019
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I won’t wear Crocs. I’m too worried about the bullying, the subtweets, the gifs. My wife can be brutal.— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) September 8, 2019
Having a bath at night while my husband is away, I used to fear my untimely death at the hands of a crazed mad man, waiting for me to have a moment of weakness.— Steve (@papa_can_preach) September 9, 2019
Now with two children, I still have fears, except my untimely death has turned into two screaming toddlers..
(Husband sick w/ bad cough)— sophielou (@sophielou) September 6, 2019
*1st year marriage*
Me (lovingly): I’m going to the pharmacy to get you meds
*after 20 years marriage*
Me (yelling from another room): TAKE THAT GENERIC STUFF FROM THE CABINET BEHIND THE TOILET IT’S EXPIRED BUT MIGHT WORK
Wife: *stands in front of me smiling*— Prime Nate (@GorillaNipples1) September 5, 2019
Me: *leans in smiling back* Hey beautiful, what can I help you with? *wiggles eyebrows*
Wife: Do I have anything in my teeth?
Just when I thought life couldn’t get any duller, my wife started lecturing about the advantages of grocery shopping before the weekend.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 12, 2019
My husband’s idea of romance is holding the door open for me without saying hurry up.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) September 5, 2019
Things My Husband Sleeps Through:— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) September 5, 2019
-The Zombie Apocalypse
Things that Awaken my Husband:
-The mererest whisper of Sex.
I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 5, 2018
Why does the last bite of my wife’s sandwich always look more delicious than any of the bites of my sandwich?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 10, 2019
(fighting with husband)— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 9, 2019
*walks into the room for the 37th time* And another thing!
Husband and I have great balance in our marriage: he removes unwanted insects from the house and I eat all the chocolate— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 10, 2019
Pretty sure my wife’s memoir would be called: “Oh my god, just take the extra 2 seconds and put it in the dishwasher.”— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) September 16, 2019