Hot, cold, thin crust, deep dish, extra cheese, pepperoni ― Americans love pizza and have strong opinions about it.
From the pineapple debate to the “is pizza a vegetable?” phenomenon, there’s no shortage of pizza-themed discussions to be had. The beloved Italian dish also offers many opportunities for humor.
In honor of National Pizza Day, we’ve rounded up 44 hilarious tweets about pizza. Buon appetito!
Me: Well, it's late, I'm going to go to bed
— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 2, 2018
Leftover pizza in my fridge: Lol but are you
Them: You need to listen to your body more.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 12, 2019
Body: You're old. And you want pizza.
if I order pizza again this week may god strike me dead
— Yes, I Like Wine Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 7, 2018
[god strikes me]
[I'm dying]
quick I don't have long put the pizza to my lips
Someone is bringing me pizza this is what getting flowers must feel like
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2018
Doctor: Where does it hurt?
— moody monday (@mdob11) May 30, 2014
Me: *points to empty pizza box*
FYI: pizza will never break your heart or tell you your bangs are crooked
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 27, 2012
People who don't eat the pizza crust:
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) March 25, 2015
1. Why do you do that
2. Can I have it
This elevator smells like pizza at 9:30am and it makes me wonder if someone else is living a better life than me.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) January 17, 2018
I'm going to wear a skin-clearing face mask while eating a whole cheese pizza. I really hope they cancel each other out.
— Lilly Singh (@IISuperwomanII) April 4, 2018
*while mindlessly, slowly eating an entire pizza* I don't know what to have for dinner
— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 4, 2018
me at 17: someone please come over i hate being alone
— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) January 26, 2019
me at 23: leave the pizza at the front door then knock and go away
Wife: Do you mind if we have pizza two nights in a row?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2018
Me: Will you marry me again?
There are plenty of fish in the sea but I want pizza.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 14, 2019
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 10, 2018
When someone takes the last slice of pizza. pic.twitter.com/OqL2CRCgxO
— Yes, I Like Wine Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) December 2, 2016
I think I need to eat a pizza. Just like an entire pizza.
— Imani Gandy (@AngryBlackLady) January 19, 2018
porn is so unrealistic who would have sex while the pizza was getting cold so stupid
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 31, 2012
Dominoes is one marketing campaign away from just bringing you a pizza every morning unless you call to stop them first.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 1, 2014
I was going to save the rest of this pizza for later and not eat it right now but then I remembered that's not really who I am as a person.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 16, 2017
I asked my 1-year-old if she wanted pizza.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2017
She nodded so hard she fell over.
So, yes, I'm sure she's mine.
[INTERVIEW]
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) April 13, 2016
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Before you join a meal kit delivery service read this:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 30, 2018
Pizza comes to your house already cooked.
a dating app but it’s pizza instead of men and i choose my perfect pizza and then someone brings it directly to me oh hey wait a minute
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) August 16, 2018
You know the last scene in Dirty Dancing? I just recreated it with a piece of pizza
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 16, 2012
My love language is: decide I have a crush on someone, never speak to them, get mad at them for not picking up on my nonexistent vibes, end crush, eat entire domino's pizza, repeat
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) April 8, 2018
Me: I want to be heathy but I don't want to cook
— maura quint (@behindyourback) February 8, 2018
Brain: Have a carrot
Me: Ugh you have to peel them
Brain: Have an apple
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: You just bite right-
Me, already on the phone: I'd like a pizza
Brain: !!!
Me: WITH VEGETABLES ON IT
Me: Are we having pizza tonight?@jeanniegaffigan : We agreed we were going to have leftovers.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) May 11, 2018
Me: Right. (beat) But pizza might be a nice treat for the kids. End of the week...
Jeannie: We agreed we dont want them to eat crap.
Me:
Jeannie:
Me: So. should I order pizza?
I told my 4-year-old we aren’t having pizza today
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2016
She fell to the ground like she’d been shot
Honestly, that was the appropriate response.
I ordered pizza for me and my buddy and when I took the first bite after it got delivered I meant to say “this is just what the doctor ordered” but instead I said “this is just what I ordered”
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 27, 2019
Monday: That's it; I'm off dairy.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) August 22, 2018
Tuesday: There's no dairy in crème fraîche, right?
Wednesday: Umm, yes, I'll have the six-cheese pizza, please.
Started thinking I want a baby and then I ate a slice of pizza and it literally went away
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) June 22, 2018
I have come to realize that at some point in the day, I will order and consume a pizza so it might as well be in the morning
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 13, 2015
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) April 11, 2018
ME: aw sweetie, I'm sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*puts on romantic music*
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 5, 2015
*lights candles*
*scatters pizza bagels all over the bed*
Just binge watched a whole pizza
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 25, 2016
I ate roughly three pieces of pizza.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 3, 2018
The fourth I ate rather gently.
My 8yo just called the delivery guy his “pizza angel” and now if you’ll please excuse me I need to go register a trademark.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 21, 2018
Pizza's here guys! I shout to the empty house.
— Deirdre (@figgled) October 15, 2015
A single tear runs down the delivery man's face. He knows.
I don't drown my sorrows, I smother them (with pizza)
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 18, 2013
Friend: Hey I see you smiling at your phone. Who is she?
— Seth (@djsethlowery) August 16, 2016
Me: {quickly closing out a Pizza Hut order confirmation email} Oh, just some girl.
A woman walked into the gym wearing workout clothes & carrying a full-sized pizza box.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 13, 2019
I think I just found my new personal trainer.
Nothing tastes as good as pizza feels.
— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) August 7, 2018
I will never forgive Steve Jobs for leaving this earth before making it possible to download pizza.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) June 17, 2012
When you walk into a loud bar, the bouncer should check for ID but also if you'd rather just have pizza & call it a night
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 11, 2015
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