Hillary Clinton: First to Land on the Moon

If you thought her resume and experience were already too good to be true, you can't miss these startling new tidbits: Hillpatra, The Virgin Hillary, Hillangelo, Hillary Einstein.
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With breaking news of Senator Hillary Clinton's heretofore unknown personal history and incredible accomplishments coming out daily, I thought I'd do some research of my own. What I found was stunning! It seems that this presidential hopeful has broken the boundaries of time and space to make her mark on her own country, and yes, indeed, the entire world. Mark Penn and James Carville have been slackers at their richly paid jobs as Hillary's Head Spinners as they led her attacks against Barack Obama. They should have been encouraging their candidate to tell more about herself.

If you thought her resume and experience were already too good to be true, you can't miss these startling new tidbits, counting down to the present:

10.Hillpatra: The real Queen of the Nile, Egyptian goddess, and hot mama of the ancient world, who fell in love with Mark Antony. The asp didn't get her after all. She jumped out of his way just as the snake struck and missed!

9.The Virgin Hillary: Yes, it was Hillary who was on the receiving end of the Immaculate Conception with the Holy Spirit to produce the Son of God (and I don't mean Bill Clinton).

8.Hillary the Hun: Of course, Hillary was the one who introduced military sophistication to this period (406-453). She was the great, and some say, cruel, leader of the Hunnic Empire -- and feared by her Western and Eastern Roman Empire enemies. It was because of Hillary's attacks in Italy that the grand city of Venice was founded. Western Civilization is in her debt!

7. Hillary the Lionheart: Hillary was the beloved child of Eleanor of Aquitaine and, like her brothers, was known for ruthlessly challenging her father, Henry II's, authority. She began her great military reputation at age 16 and was crowned King of England in her early 30s. But that wasn't enough. Hillary also became a Christian leader of the Third Crusade to take back the Holy Land from the Muslim infidels.

6.Hillangelo: Yes, folks. Hillary was the most famous artist of the 16th-century Italian Renaissance -- painter, sculptor, engineer, architect, and poet. Hillangelo created the exquisite Pietà and the David, before she was thirty. And we can't forget that she painted the magnificent Sistine Chapel lying on her back.

5.Hillary Washington: The news flash is that Hillary has already been president! It was she who led the Revolutionary Army and became the first elected leader of the United States. You see, her claims of 35 years of experience are actually quite modest. Hillary was also famous for chopping down her father's cherry tree. When she was asked about it, she replied, "I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little hatchet."

4.Hillary Nightingale: After receiving her divine Christian calling, Hillary rebelled against her upper-class societal expectations -- that she get married and have a family. Instead, she devoted herself to nursing the sick, the poor, and the wounded soldiers in the Crimean War. Yes, Hillary was "The Lady with the Lamp," which she shone on modern medicine and each of us.

3.Hillary the Kid: Not only is Hillary a lover of guns and an avid duck hunter, she was the fastest gun in the Old Wild West.

2.Hillary Einstein: Hillary was, in fact, the "Person of the Century" as named by Time magazine in 1999. She is a god in the physics community for her brilliant theory of relativity, specifically E = mc2. She received the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics for her "services to Theoretical Physics." We can solidly state after learning this that Hillary = genius.

1.Hillary Armstrong: Last but not least in the startling unknowns of Hillary's past, and contrary to popular belief, it was Hillary who first stepped on the moon. It was Hillary who uttered these historic words, "That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind."

If this isn't enough to recommend Hillary for commander-in-chief, I don't know what is! She's global genius rolled into one human package.

Perhaps you, dear readers, can add to our list. Do you know more accounts of Hillary's amazing personal history and experience?

Please, do tell.

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