Hillary Clinton Tries Boosting Poll Numbers: Threatens Third Party Run, Gives Out Bernie Sanders' Phone Number

In an attempt to shore up her falling poll numbers, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton went on the offensive, lashing out against minorities, considering a run as a third party candidate, and giving out Senator Bernie Sanders' phone number. "She is finally tapping into the anger of the American public," said Owen Cumbertweak, Clinton's campaign Messaging Brigadier. "This is the outsider Clinton, not the Hillary Clinton who launched her presidential campaign in April and rebooted it six times after that. Because, remember, before she was a Washington insider, she was an outsider. So now, she's an outsider again, but, like, a super outsider."

The former Secretary of State made these comments during a rambling, unscripted seventy-minute speech, which included other observations:

I want to be the Democratic nominee, but if they don't treat me fairly, I may keep the door open for something else. You like Joe Biden so much--why don't you marry him? And give me a break--Martin O'Malley? Loser. Lincoln Chafee? He's from Rhode Island--the smallest state, full of Hispanics and not the good kind. And Bernie Sanders? He says he's a socialist, but Ronald Reagan once said he was a Democrat and look what happened. The Justice Department? Stupid. The State Department? Full of idiots and stupid idiots. I mean, if it weren't for me, none of you would even be talking about hacking or secret documents or computers or national security. You should be thanking me for using a private server! We need to build a cyber wall and I'll make the Russians and the Chinese pay for it. They will pay for it and they'll give each person in the United States a new car. Russia and China love me. They love me. Everybody loves me! I get things done because I have a lot of money. If I can get 25 million dollars making speeches, I can get Russia and China to do whatever I want. Also, Maureen Dowd is a bimbo.

Following the speech, a Qunnipiac poll indicated that Clinton fell to twenty points behind Sanders and twelve points behind a DeWalt cordless drill.