Hillary Clinton surged to a commanding lead over rival Bernie Sanders after losing the Washington, Alaska and Hawaii Democratic caucuses in landslides over the weekend.
"I am thrilled to have lost by such historic margins," beamed Clinton at a post-election breakfast. "I am looking forward to the Wisconsin primary, when I hope to appeal to almost nobody," Clinton gushed to a rising cascade of cheer.
The Clinton camp is confident that if Hillary loses all the remaining primaries, she will handily secure the Democratic nomination. "We are working overtime to make Clinton as unpalatable as possible to Democratic voters," reassured Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Indeed, Wasserman Schultz is the architect of the Clinton "winning by losing" strategy.
"We looked at how well the American economy is doing with a ballooning $17 trillion national debt," Wasserman Schultz explained, "so we thought we could win the nomination by deficit funding our votes. And it's working!"
Wasserman Schultz is hopeful that this same strategy will prove successful in the general election. "It doesn't matter whether we face Donald Trump or Ted Cruz. We think more of our people will vote against us, and more of their people will vote against them, that it'll guarantee Hillary's election."
At the end of the evening, Clinton was magnanimous in her victory speech. "Even though Bernie Sanders ran a great race, in this election winning over a voter isn't good enough. Winning over a superdelegate, that's priceless."