Hillary Clinton's New Book: I Have Never Met Barack Obama

In a move that many interpret as an attempt to further distance herself from President Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has written a new book in which she reveals that she has never actually met the President. The following is an exclusive excerpt from I Have Never Met Barack Obama:

I received my daily talking points and foreign policy positions from a strange man dressed in a cape and mask and only spoke with the President -- or at least someone pretending to be the President -- through an intercom, much like John Forsythe on Charlie's Angels. I frequently and vehemently opposed what was given to me, but the masked man warned that if I ever, ever openly disagreed with these positions, my family would be hurt. I served four years as Secretary of State... and never met the President once.

In another excerpt, Clinton writes:

During my 2008 run for the Democratic Presidential nomination, I was asked to wear a strange spandex-like outfit covered with ping-pong balls. I learned it was a motion-capture suit that Obama's team would use to create a three-dimensional digital image of myself that they manipulated to "blend" into the 2008 debates with then-Senator Obama. Later, that image was blended into photo opportunities with the President and various diplomatic missions to which I objected and, therefore, cannot be held responsible. Once again -- I never met the President. I repeat: never met him. Never.

Some proceeds from I Have Never Met Barack Obama will go to Olive Creek, the name of the ramshackle boarding house that Hillary and Bill Clinton briefly stayed in after the latter's Presidency. In other news, Hillary Clinton has just received a $20 million advance for her next book, I Take It Back, I Did Meet Barack Obama But Only If That Secures Some More Votes in 2016.