Hillary Sees Sense and Exits Gracefully

That "graceful" exit 22% of the electorate have been waiting for all this time, as told to Jane Austen.


Settling herself at the bureau, her blonde hair curled pleasingly about her temples, she smoothed down her pantsuit, and took out her quill. With the venerable Mister Patrick Leahy's words still ringing in her ears, Hillary began to write - and oh! what a beautiful missive, what a graceful exit...

"Sir, I shall stand in your way no longer. Despite the generosity you exhibited in remarking that I was "welcome" to stay in the race (how kind you are!), the stark reality that neither of us is capable of an outright victory among the pledged delegates has persuaded me of the folly - indeed the willful absurdity - of continuing my little "campaign."

Finding myself almost one whole percentage point behind your good self, and with only a few millions of persons yet to vote, it seems absurd for me to continue. In fact, it was presumptuous of me ever to have entertained the idea that a woman in possession of a progressive policy agenda should be in want of high office.

I shall retire to the drawing room forthwith, and trouble you no further with these trifling notions of universal health care and what I heard the ubiquitous Mister Blitzer refer to as a "moratorium on home foreclosures." What a brutish phrase that is, and certainly not one a young lady - or indeed a lady of any age - should like to grapple with!

I hear that some of your associates have been discussing my "ambition" and I am afraid I must be honest with you, Sir: I do have a lamentable and most unladylike ambition. The chief element of which is to allow each and every one of the villagers a bed in the hospital - a farfetched notion, I concede, but one I'm afraid I have been wedded to these many years.

Truth be told, it shall be of great consolation to me in my dotage that you ran such a wonderfully positive campaign. Through all your talk of how divisive and calculating and ruthless and lacking in judgement and dishonest and deceptive I am, that positivity has shone through like a beacon of hope. Every assertion of my monstrosity and flaws was always more than compensated for by your embrace of a new kind of politics.

Furthermore, those comments have been most illuminating and helpful to me. You see, all these years I have been labouring under the foolish misapprehension that I was a dedicated public servant, motivated by a sense of justice and compassion, and working for the good of the poorest, and most vulnerable in the parish - most particularly for the local women and children in need of medical attention. Yet I now see that what I had mistaken for sense and sensibility was all the while nothing short of pride and prejudice. I thank you for opening my eyes to it!

The moment of absolute certainty came when I read your perceptive comments on the fairer sex. "I understand that Senator Clinton, periodically when she's feeling down, launches attacks as a way of trying to boost her appeal". Alas, Sir, I am burdened with the weakness of my gender, and only wonder that I did not realise sooner how unsuited I was to this gentleman's profession. I have quite clearly outstayed my welcome - as the people of Pennsylvania are making abundantly clear both to me, and to the exotically named Mister Zogby.

To conclude, Sir, may I let you into my confidence? I suspect that Brigadier McCain, who is fast approaching his ninety eighth birthday, will attempt to make you look like a schoolboy barely out of short trousers. But do not be alarmed, good sir: your self-evident achievements and impressive record over more than three decades years on the parish council will speak for themselves amidst the russet hues of autumn.

I hope that this long overdue departure is achieved with as much grace as is possible for someone merely likeable enough to muster, and am, Sir,

most sincerely yours etc

H. Clinton.


I am in absolute agreement with you that the voters of Florida and Michigan should not be furnished with the opportunity of having their voices heard afresh, and I commend you for your foresight - as I'm sure Brigadier McCain will when he reminds them of it in November."