It's not you, it's me. It was fun while it lasted and... eh, f*ck it. It's you. It's completely you.
I could be one of the few women on the planet who isn't dreading turning dirty 30 this year. I, for one, can't wait to bid my 20s a long-awaited adieu. No disrespect, 20s, it's been real. You've taught me more about myself than I ever cared to know. It's just that -- how do I put this lightly? -- you need to take your emotional baggage and get-ta-steppin'.
Needless to say, there are a number of things that every 30-something-year-old needs to just stop doing. Enough. Knock it off. Cease. Hault. Fini. Basta! I digress...
1. Being a b*tch to yourself.
Jeez, back off already. Give yourself a break. Your 20s are filled to the brim with self-doubt. Trying to stay afloat in this never-ending sea of insecurities is next to impossible. My pores are too big. My ass is too flat. My laugh is too loud. My eyes are too close together. Stop walking on egg shells and be whoever the hell you want to be -- whoever the hell you are, thunder thighs and al l-- no questions asked. And anyone who has a problem with it, can vaffanculo!
2. Wearing a handkerchief and calling it a shirt.
Listen, I've actually worn a handkerchief as a shirt and gotten away with it. (At least in my mind, I pulled it off.) But, it's no longer acceptable to shop in the junior's department. It's just not. I don't care if you have Giselle's legs and Scarlett Johansen's ta-tas. The answer is no. I'm not saying you can't be sexy -- by all means, show off your best assets. Just don't think you're on Project Runway and cut out tiny felt squares and double-stick tape them to your nipples and call it a shirt. That's all I'm sayin'.
3. Pining after the jerk.
Ugh, this one's a killer. Probably one of the most painful lessons you learn over and over and over again in your 20s. You know the guy I'm talking about. The one that brings nothing to the table, yet you somehow convince yourself that he's sexy and mysterious. He waits two hours to return a text message for a boring conversation that you've initiated. Oh, he must be incredibly busy. Yeah, incredibly busy being a douchebag. This is one of the more important items on this list because it can be the most damaging. Stop selling yourself short. In 20 years, this guy will probably be on his third failed marriage- - of which he takes no responsibility of wrong-doing. Torture yourself in another way -- like eating a pint of ice cream. It's much more enjoyable.
4. Throwin' up in da club on a Tuesday.
This one has dual meanings. I wrote this with the intention that it's not OK to actually throw up in a club. But then I realized that this saying has become somewhat popular now, meaning getting "turnt up" on a Tuesday. Nevertheless, NEITHER is acceptable in your 30s. I'm not proud to admit this, but I've thrown up multiple times (on different occasions) right in the middle of a club, mid-dance move, and continued on with my night as if it never even happened. To be completely honest, on those particular nights, I've locked lips with some poor bastard who had no idea that 30 minutes prior to his eyes fixating on my cleavage that I was just blowing chunks in a dark corner. I'm not sure this behavior is acceptable at any age, but hey, I was 20; we get a free pass.
5. Being a part-time, unpaid detective.
We all do it. And will probably continue to do it, no matter what age. You know what I'm talking about... it's a normal day and then BAM. It pops up on your damn newsfeed that your distant acquaintance commented on your ex-boyfriend's status. Then your mind runs rampant. The innocent thought slowly wraps itself around your once-rational cognitive process: "Oh, wonder what he's up to." Red lights start flashing. Sirens go off. Cannonballs Fire. Doesn't matter, you don't hear them; you begin your stalking pursuit. Then it's four hours later and you find yourself 1,800 clicks deep on your exes' cousin's sister's grandmother's page. Oh, look, there's little Timmy in his swimmies -- Jesus, you should be ashamed of yourself. If they're not in your life any more, and you don't talk to them on a somewhat regular basis, no matter how stalk-worthy they may seem; cut them loose.
6. Stage-5 clinger.
Nothing pisses me off more about my 20s-self than memories of surgically attaching myself to someone else in fear of being alone. NEWSFLASH: Being alone is magical. Embrace it. Bask in it. Soak it in. Second newsflash: It's only not obvious to you that the reason you're clinging is because you're insecure. In fact, once you start to like being alone -- which you inevitably will -- it becomes downright addicting. Think about it: No one to argue with. No one to politely suggest you take a shower after your late-night out. No one to ask "Can I have a back rubbbbb?" No one to point out that pesty zit making its way to the surface. Man-up and get a life of your own; you'll thank me later.
7. Participating in the walk of shame.
Ladies, ladies, ladies. I've been there. Mascara clumped in the sides of your eyelids, eyelashes hanging by the last stitch of glue, last-night's alcohol breath that could kill a pack of wildebeests. It's only natural--and actually safe--if you're drinking, to have a place to stay afterward. But be prepared. Pack a bag. It takes two seconds to throw a toothbrush, some kicks and a change of clothes into a bag. "What is everyone thinking?" you ask yourself while trying to catch the train home at 8 a.m. wobbling in 4-inch heels.
8. Drunken Texting.
I had originally wrote "calling," but I erased it. Who am I kidding? I'm not that old that I'd actually call someone. Anyway, back away from your iPhone. Put it away. Give it to a trusted friend who's strong enough to beat your ass when you threaten her life for it. Lock it up in a padlocked safe. I don't care what you do, but NOTHING good comes out of drunken texting. You think that duck-faced selfie is going to seal the deal? Or that quick shot of your boobs that you took in a bathroom stall? "OK," you concede. "But what about a simple seductive 'I want you' sext?" Maybe. Only if he's already very interested. If not, just think about sending whatever ridiculous text you want to send to your dad. That'll stop you dead in your tracks.
9. Doing laundry only because you just wore your last pair of bathing suit bottoms as underwear.
Whatever, I'll still do this.
10. Being a Mean Girl.
That is so not fetch. Feeding on others insecurities only screams lack of confidence on your part. You don't think that girl knows she has a big nose? You don't think she doesn't wake up every day wishing she looked like someone else? You don't think that she'd give her kidney to have a perfect body? Or to have a voice that doesn't sound like Alvin the Chipmunk? Trust me, she does. Women shouldn't tear each other down; they should band together. Who else understands that PMS isn't just an excuse to be a bitch. Or how painful a bikini wax is. Or how important "the right angle" in a picture is. Stick together girls. We can accomplish some badass shit.
Thirties ... here I come bitches.