Dear all who inconvenienced by TSA are planning National Opt Out Day on November 24,
There was a time when all and only Middle Easterners were terrorists. The airport used to be a pleasant place when it came to going through security if you were not from the Middle East or hadn't tanned too badly on your last visit to the Bahamas. While those times were good for you, they weren't for me and others who like me had the misfortune -- speaking only in terms of going through airport security -- of being from the Middle East. Heck, even Indians weren't so lucky at times.
On November 24 I'm going to stay home and watch reruns of the Golden Girls. Alone. (Everyone in this house has to go visit family members on Thanksgiving -- except me). But you won't. TSA has copped one too many a feel and you are going to protest their shameless crotch-grabbing tactics to screen out potential terrorists at American airports by attempting to get through security without being felt up.
You'd think I'd be all for that. But I'm not. I am actually extremely annoyed that you are trying to change this. If I were a believer, I'd pray that your campaign fails miserably and falls from headlines like a lead zeppelin would fall from the sky. The reason you ask? Well, here's why!
The last time I was at an airport -- same as every other time -- I had to be manually searched, at random of course. This time, I was led into the glass chamber to make sure my underwear was TNT-free as well. You could have called the manual search random if the guy in charge of running people through it hadn't eyed me from 20 feet away. The moment I appeared close enough for him to see my skin color, he started putting his gloves on. I mean, this guy didn't wait for me to get to him and to get ready. He was ready even before I could show my ID and tickets to the TSA guy who checks papers.
I wouldn't have noticed it if my girlfriend hadn't started laughing hysterically behind me. You see, she had experienced this with me once before and was already looking to see how quickly I would ring the 'terrorist ahoy!' alarms. To her amusement, it only took eye contact for the TSA inspector to get suspicious of my activities. After all, we Middle Easterners have this unmistakable skin tone which some deem exotic, but others find quite explosive, pun intended. The guy didn't even have to look at my name to know that I could be a case of "wired junk." (It hurt me more because I am already on a few terrorist death lists.)
Well, those times have changed thanks to non-Middle Eastern nutcases who've decided that they can blow up in crowded places and then magically get transported to the land of milk, honey and 72 hot women. (Can someone please get these guys laid so we can live in peace?) TSA won't stop at us Middle Easterners now. They want every "package" checked.
This is why I am annoyed at you people getting all mad about how you're getting your private parts fondled. Excuse me, but didn't you think racial profiling was disgusting when TSA started targeting people like me because of the way I look?
Why didn't you come out and protest for the thousands of Americans and non-Americans of Middle Eastern descent because we were and are being humiliated at American airports on a daily basis? Dude, if I so much as raise an eyebrow about a pat-down, I'll have everyone around me screaming and running towards the door for fear of a premature detonation. But others did. They spoke about this. They tried to raise awareness and get Americans to understand that we, the brown people of Asia, aren't all terrorists. But most of you stayed quiet because I have a feeling many of you think we are and that TSA is justifiably targeting us and us alone. It made many of you feel safe when I was getting my nuts squeezed to make sure they weren't grenades.
But remember that quote by Benjamin Franklin? "People willing to trade their freedom for temporary security deserve neither and will lose both." You were okay with taking away our freedom to be treated equally because it made you feel more secure. Karma's a bitch.
Now thanks to Jihad Jane and other non-Middle Eastern terrorists, TSA has gotten smarter. Just because you are not brown of the Asian variety, doesn't mean you get a free ride. More of you will learn how it feels to stand in front of dozens of others and be treated like you might be a loud bang away from making headlines. And it is only now that you don't like it because they want to make sure you're not a non-Middle Eastern terrorist? Well, your silence at my embarrassment came right back and bit you in the ass, didn't it?
I hope everyone forgets the Opt Out Day thing and calmly subjects themselves to the "random" manual search. I hope you all catch the cold and are forced to sit at home and weep thinking of when you're in line at the airport, looking at the man in those latex gloves in horror. Reruns of Golden Girls are a gift from the heavens. So let's forget about this and enjoy the gifts of life while we can, eh?
With scorn,
Enraged Middle Eastern Man
- - - -
Dear TSA,
Thank you for saving me from years of feeling like nobody cared about my plight. Your gesture of kindness has shown me that at least you know what it means to be treated equally. I pledge to you that I will tolerate being racially profiled with utter glee so long as everyone else in the line behind me and ahead of me gets fondled and is forced to pass through the glass chamber of doom. In the fight to keep America safe, don't leave a single boob unturned. And next time you see a well-endowed man, remember, it could be a stick of dynamite. You're on the right track, don't back down now. Revenge shall be ours!
Love,
Mr. Finally an Equal