Hollywood Eager to Finally F*ck Up Catcher in the Rye

HOLLYWOOD (The Borowitz Report) - Just hours after author J.D. Salinger passed away at his New Hampshire home on Wednesday, Hollywood studios were salivating at the chance to finally ruin his masterpiece, Catcher in the Rye.

"If we are fortunate enough to acquire the rights to Mr. Salinger's book, we pledge to stay faithful to the spirit of Catcher in the Rye," said Dougy Binstock, a producer at Columbia Pictures. "And the best way to do that is by producing it as a rock opera."

But even as Mr. Binstock was bidding for the rights to produce a film he hopes to call Phantom of the Rye, Mindy Hammerfur, an executive at Paramount Pictures, said that she thought Salinger's book was "seriously in need of a reboot."

"We never find out in the book how Holden Caulfield becomes the catcher in the rye," said Ms. Hammerfur. "The movie really needs to be kind of a prequel."

But of all the potential bidders hoping to desecrate Catcher in the Rye, Avatar director James Cameron may have the inside track.

"I loved this book as a boy and I'm not going to add a thing," Mr. Cameron said, "except blue space-cats."

Elsewhere, CBS said it had rejected an ad for a gay dating site for the 2010 Super Bowl, but that it would still air three hours of men in tight pants slapping each other on the ass. More here.