They say April showers bring May flowers. But when it rains, it pours. Three friends just announced their engagements this week in what I was hoping was a belated April Fool's gag. Clearly, these friends who are plotting their futures with guys whose last names have six zeroes at the end just don't sit well with me, forcing me to produce appropriate rejoinders in times of crisis.
The most important thing for you to do when registering annoying news, like friends' engagements and pregnancy announcements, is to artfully mask your bitterness. You know it's about to bubble over -- but you don't want her to know that you're a single girl on the verge of losing her sanity and about to blow.
Here's how to be quasi-delicate, or at least not telegraph your outright resentment for this clearly less-attractive friend reaping all of life's fruits while you're here sucking on a lemon:
On a friend announcing her engagement:
"Wow! So single people still meet at Narcissists Anonymous meetings?"
"That's so wonderful... but has he seen you in daylight yet?"
"You see -- who ever said that the ugly duckling never catches a break?"
"Oh, I didn't realize he's not a US citizen..."
"Hmm... you think a catering hall will have enough creative lighting to detract from those 10 pesky pounds??"
"Is he still an alcoholic?"
Oh, sweetie, this is great! You've finally found your match: A full-time punching bag to finally call your own!"
"OMG -- it's so totally great that you finally found a guy who has more facial hair than you do!"
"No one deserves this more than you -- except me"
"So now that a guy is contractually obligated to you, does that mean you're going to act like a real friend again?"
On a friend announcing her pregnancy:
"Oh -- whew! So that's not just water weight?"
"That's so great -- at least now you have a reason for those sorry, saggy breasts...."
"That's great -- and you don't even need to shell out extra money for new 'fat jeans'!"
"Don't worry, doctors say cellulite is a recessive gene anyway..."