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dating apps don’t work
As a Professional Matchmaker I am all too familiar with the treacherous waters dating has become. In fact, I continue to be shocked and dismayed at how dating has become a vicious cycle that has taken any semblance of human emotion almost entirely out of the picture. It is all about instant gratification. We live in a world where you can get almost anything you want when you want it and it’s hard not to need instant gratification in every area of life. Such convenience is entirely a modern-day perk -- previous generations never experienced anything even remotely close to it. The problem is instant gratification is addicting and often becomes a habit, a habit that tends to seep into our love lives
Everyone wants to be happy and feel good about themselves, about their lives, they want to be wanted. I get that. Trust me, I get that. But it’s all about ego. Instant gratification is all about ego. It’s all about the moment. Dating in the age of instant gratification is the same. In order to combat loneliness we go out with whoever asks us, we have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want, we use people because they meet our immediate needs without any thought to the impact we’re having on them and their lives. Dating in the age of instant gratification is all about selfishness … it’s all about “what’s in it for me?”. If I don’t get what I want then I’m on to the next. Why give someone a chance if I “don’t feel it”. People want the long term rewards but want them now and want them with who they want. If someone doesn’t fit into the mold that someone wants them to fit in, if they don’t meet their expectations immediately then they are on to the next.
I personally hate this whole idea of instant gratification and constantly have to remind my clients that finding love is not a sprint, it is a marathon.. I hate the fact that the most important aspect of dating someone is for the relationship to be convenient. If there is no instant connection it’s easy to move on to the next person within minutes or even seconds. Our soulmates could be slipping away through our fingers just because we were not able to connect with them within a couple of moments. The possibility of having multiple dates has spoiled us. We no longer want to put in the time and effort in order to really get to know someone. As the radius of our Tinder searches is within a 30-minute drive, we are missing out the real meaning of finding a soul mate. The fact that it’s so easy to replace anyone has made it redundant to fight for a relationship. If someone doesn’t like something about their partner, they don’t compromise anymore. Every little fight turns into a breakup, and every altercation ends up causing a split because no one wants to deal with difficulties. It makes me sad to think that making a connection is not about being yourself, but about being a more fun and captivating version of yourself, someone who has to stand out from the crowd. And if you are not this perfect version, it’s easy to find a replacement.
There is no doubt that in today’s dating world it is harder and harder to find love. We want it all and we want it now! And why not? We deserve it don’t we? We shouldn’t have to work hard for it, it should just come to us. It’s our right! Besides, if I don’t get what I want from one person or thing, someone else will give it to me and then on to the next! Right? WRONG!!! According to scholars, “instant gratification is one of the things that keep us from long-term fulfillment.” By our wanting to satisfy our urges immediately, we lose what we hope to achieve in the long run.
Our inability to delay gratification not only wreaks havoc in our personal world, but also in our world at large. Look around. There’s a high divorce rate – because people are more apt to end relationships rather than work on them. There’s an epidemic of obesity and plentiful stories of credit card debt. More people than ever are being diagnosed with impulse control disorders. Plus the number of children and adults with attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity and addictions are all on the rise.
Let’s get real. We all know it’s not simply the smartest people who score the highest grades and biggest salaries. It’s those who are willing to delay gratification – and put in the effort of discipline to study hard and pay their dues at a job – or any skill to be mastered.The good news is that more and more people are recognizing the issues of technology and are seeking ways to calm their racing minds. Last year, money spent on yoga increased to a record-breaking $16 million, and although many find it difficult to disconnect, they feel more relaxed in the end. With the abundance of instant gratification, it’s difficult to recognize that people don’t need immediate satisfaction to feel happy. It’s important to remember how beneficial patience can be, because the best things in life are more than a click away,
How to avoid getting caught in the instant gratification trap
The first thing to do is become extremely clear about what you want. Consider these questions:
– Do you really want a committed relationship in your life?
– If no, then feel free to engage in casual encounters and enjoy the experience
– If yes, how important is this goal on a scale of 1 – 10?
– What percentage of your ‘dating energy’ are you prepared to direct toward this goal?
– What are the risks associated with splitting your energy between primary and secondary goals?
Once you are clear about your primary goal, you can start to engage in activities that will take you closer toward your desired outcome. If you were committed to training for a marathon, you probably wouldn’t spend time building your bi-ceps between running sessions. If you were committed to saving up to buy a house, you probably wouldn’t keep buying Chanel purses or taking expensive golf trips.
So get clear about what you want, make a conscious choice about where you are going to focus your dating energy and get out there and do it.
Happy Dating!
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