How Being Sick Has Made Me Stronger

I know now, that I can stand on my own two feet and deliver my one woman show with confidence because I survived all of it.
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When I've been in the deepest of darkest places, I haven't seen a silver lining. It's nearly impossible to see the light when you're so deep in the hole of depression that it feels like you can't breathe. I actually talk about that in my show, "That's what depression feels like; like not being able to breathe, like someone is choking you, but you can't see where their hands are so you can't stop it from happening." When that choking is happening, your eyes are closed so tight that you almost refuse to see the light, because it feels so painful.

I have gone in and out of deep depressions ever since I was 12 years old. They got worse as I got older, and they got longer as I grew older. The hardest part was when the mania started kicking in. I have Bipolar Disorder, so I would go from feeling on top of the world to feeling like I wanted to kill myself, and that could all happen in one day. That crash from mania to depression is terrifying, because you aren't just dropping from feeling normal to feeling depressed, you're dropping from feeling like you are immortal to feeling like the world has nothing to offer you.

But there have been moments of clarity, I can't deny that. I've been seeing the same therapist since I was in fifth grade, and there have been countless moments when she has guided me in the direction of health and happiness. She has so beautifully led me in the right direction, even when I couldn't see the road myself. Lately, I'm not necessarily feeling like everything is going to get better, but I know that I am stronger than I was 6 years ago. Because Crohn's Disease happened, because pancreatitis happened, because gut bacteria happened, because Lyme Disease happened, because all of these health issues happened and I was so overwhelmed I could barely function.

I know now, that I can stand on my own two feet and deliver my one woman show with confidence because I survived all of it. I might have not been the strongest person all along, but I am brave because I have chosen to take my nightmares and turn them into my biggest dreams. I have turned the darkness into the light, I have turned my greatest hardships into a theatrical piece that is actually happening. It's happening, and it's because I chose to survive it all.

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