Reader Emotionally Laboring writes,
I need ideas on how to explain to my husband the mental/emotional labor involved in running a household so he can take some of it. I can't figure out how to explain it to him so that he understands it and can actually take part of the responsibility of it off my shoulders. When I try, it just sounds like I'm complaining that he doesn't do enough around the house, and that's not it at all.
All of the day-to-day details are my responsibility: vet appointments, food inventory, meal planning. He is the best life partner to have, but he doesn't think of those things. Just like he doesn't think to take the trash out, clean the refrigerator out, do his laundry or take over dinner. He will do all of those things instantly and pleasantly if I ask him to do them, but he doesn't think of doing them himself.
If I envy other marriages in any way, it's the ones who have spouses who will sometimes say, "I'll get carryout on the way home," then walk in the door with Chinese food or burgers for dinner. No long, exhausting discussion about what anybody wants for dinner; he knows what his family likes and simply gets it. That alone sounds so incredibly relaxing! Just to not have to be the one to make all the decisions about dinner!
But if I say, "Ugh, I am just not in the mood to deal with dinner tonight," he will reply with, "No problem, I'll take care of it. What do you want?" and not understand that he's just dumped responsibility back into my lap with a side helping of future praise required for his cooking skills. And he will take care of it, and it will be delicious, but the actual physical meal preparation is the least tiresome part of meals.
How do I make him understand - and retain - that without coming across as complaining that he's not doing enough chores? I also don't want to make it sound like he's worthless or stupid when I say I am sick of having to be the one to make all the decisions. He isn't worthless or stupid, but having to derail the conversation to assure him of that while he gets defensive and angry doesn't accomplish anything, and I can't seem to explain why I "don't just tell [him] what needs to be done."
Dear EL,
On the one hand, I am married, and I can easily say, "I hear you, girl! I wish I came home to a vacuumed house and didn't have to be the one to notice it needs vacuuming!" On the other hand, I am a marriage counselor, and the concept of emotional labor, newly popular because of this article, is undoubtedly going to mess up some perfectly healthy marriages, so I am glad you wrote in so I can tell you what I think of the idea.
As I wrote in this article about women who want more alpha husbands, you can't have everything and also be careful what you wish for. It sounds lovely to have a man who is both take charge (I'm getting dinner tonight!) and deferential (And it will be what you and the kids enjoy eating!) but much like the whole lady in the streets and freak in the sheets paradigm, you kind of only get this perfect being (of either gender) in the initial stages of courting (when, to be honest, you would have also been a lot more sincerely congratulatory about his cooking).
You have lucked out with a husband that instantly does what you ask him to do. I encourage you to think about how much this takes off your plate, in actuality. It takes off all of the actual doing of things. You could be outsourcing, to your able husband, most of the housework, it seems, as long as you tell him what to do. Here are a couple of examples to help you reframe your exhausting situation:
- You win a billion dollars in the lottery. You promptly hire a daily, or let's say even twice weekly, housekeeper and cook. You then complain to your friends that you have to tell the cook what to cook and the housekeeper what to clean. They get irritated with you because guess what, you still don't have to cook and clean and telling someone what to cook and what to clean is still easier than cooking and cleaning.
- A husband comes to me in couples therapy with the common complaint that his wife's sex drive diminished after monogamy to the point that she never initiates sex. I express empathy for his perspective as the rejected partner, asking when the last time was that they had sex. He says that they have sex instantly whenever he asks, multiple times per week, but he continues:If I envy other marriages in any way, it's the ones who have spouses who will sometimes say, "I'll give you a BJ tonight," then walk in the door and get right down to business. No long, exhausting discussion about what anybody wants sexually; she knows what I likes and simply does it. That alone sounds so incredibly relaxing! Just to not have to be the one to make all the decisions about sex! But If I say, "I am in the mood for sex tonight," she will reply with, "No problem, what do you want?" and not understand that she's just dumped responsibility back into my lap with a side helping of future praise required for her oral skills. And she will then initiate sex, and it will be awesome, but the actual physical sex part is the least tiresome part of sex.How do I make her understand - and retain - that without coming across as complaining that she's not having enough sex? I also don't want to make it sound like she's boring in bed when I say I am sick of having to be the one to initiate all the time.
I entreat you to visualize how much effort I would have to exert to ensure my eyes did not roll out of my head during the session, as I tried to empathize while also letting this hypothetical dude know how good he has it compared to the wives who, when they have no sex drive, just don't have sex, or do it with complaining and procrastinating at the very least.
To summarize, I think your husband just doesn't have the same urgency surrounding decision making, which, if you refer back to my alpha post, probably means you end up getting a lot of what you want in this marriage day to day. He has low organizational drive, and therefore he likely married someone good at organizing, like you. Despite the proliferation of (pretty anti-male) "emotional labor" articles lately, it's important to recognize that gender is not the only or possibly even the main variable at play here. As I discuss here, there is a very common dynamic where Type A guys criticize their more laid back, disorganized wives. And stay at home dads are usually the ones who give more emotional labor as well.
If you want to have a productive conversation with your husband about sharing emotional labor, I suggest you just give him concrete tasks with concrete explanations, like, "If you brought home dinner, including choosing what to eat, every Tuesday and Thursday, I would really like that. Thinking about what to have for dinner is very stressful for me. Can we start it this Tuesday?" From how you've described your husband, this would be something squarely in his wheelhouse. Yes, the first time you explain it you're doing some emotional labor, but every week after that you're not.
If on Tuesday he calls to ask you to decide between Chinese and pizza, say, "Oh honey remember I hate the decision making part, just surprise me (now and every Tuesday and Thursday till one of us dies)." I believe he will be able to master this skill in no time, as well as grocery shopping if the family literally runs out of food or making vet appointments if Fluffy needs one ("Hey, the dog needs an appointment and I'm not doing it so if you love Fluffy, do it." Fluffy is the potential casualty in this experiment, but I believe he will come through for her.)
If all of this fails, read this article or this article to see if in any way you two are subconsciously replicating patterns you saw growing up, where one martyr partner takes care of/enables one "child" partner. (I say this because the example of him not doing his own laundry is such an easy one to solve; stop doing it and he will run out of clothes. If you have not yet tried this, then it makes me wonder whether you subconsciously believe that it is your role to baby/enable him in some way.)
Increasing numbers of marriages today founder because of ever-mounting expectations that partners will provide for our every emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual, and spiritual need. (I am certainly not the first to notice this social trend; read The All or Nothing Marriage for more.) If your husband was actively refusing to do housework, I would be the first to jump on the "he sucks" bandwagon. But here, your husband instantly and pleasantly (and even skillfully, with cooking!) does whatever you request, despite likely thinking the laundry and trash need to be dealt with easily half as often as you think they do and despite (I'm just guessing here) having his first line dinner suggestions often rejected in the past. Thus, the problem may not be emotional labor per se but an inability on likely both partners' parts to recognize the contribution of the other (here, you do emotional labor and he does physical).
Also, if one person wants the laundry, cleaning, etc, done more often than the other, then who is to say that one person is "right" and the other is "wrong" and the latter is just shirking emotional labor of scheduling such things? In reality, the majority of husbands were once adult men who were able to do their own laundry and clean their apartments to a point that made their prospective wives able to enter their homes without revulsion. The majority of divorced (and all the single) dads get their kids to school, take their dogs to the vet, and feed their families, so I am hesitant to go along with the articles that attribute this all to gender. What I do believe is that men, on average, have learned that their wives have a more urgent and immediate timeline for household/child-related matters than they themselves do (which I understand), and some of them choose to complain about it and some of them choose to go along with a smile. Your husband is in the latter category, which is exactly what I recommend for marital happiness in articles like this one and this one. Perhaps some others somewhere have the same exact perspective on what needs to be done and when it needs to happen, as their wives, but these guys are few and far between.
In fact, even across two different families, the wives themselves likely have different perspectives on urgency. For instance, I just completed my summer camp registration for June for my daughters. It is October. My highly successful (literal CEO or something like that) friend did not sign her kid up yet for the same camp. If I were married to her, I would be the you complaining about her! But it's October! Who is crazy here? Me? You? Society? Your husband? Everyone? Nobody? (Well, we can all agree that the person who signs their kid up in October may be crazy but otherwise, it's meant to be a philosophical inquiry into the nature of subjectivity, guys.)
I hope this can give you a slightly different perspective and perhaps make you happier with your instant responder, whom I can assure is the recipient of a lot of envy from your friends whose husbands do things slowly and unpleasantly, if at all. Watch out at gatherings where the other wives have had a bit to drink and sidle up to your husband asking him breathily if what you say to them is true and he really cooks delicious meals upon request and instantly and pleasantly takes out the trash. Also, if you want, discuss this article with him. The best outcome I can see, aside from the Tues/Thurs takeout sans questions, would be you getting more recognition and appreciation for your emotional labor while he gets more for his instant responding. Best of luck and keep me posted! Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Each Partner Can Have Their Own Strengths.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
Learn about Dr. Rodman’s private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. Order her books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage, and How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Divorce, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.