The hills are apparently still alive as The Sound of Music celebrates its 50th Anniversary this month. There's been a recent discovery of a never seen before authentic "Pros and Cons" list inside the props box from the movie set. It's an actual chart that Captain Von Trapp made to help him decide which woman he should marry and become the new mother of his 7 children. Let's peek, shall we?
Maria VS Baroness Elsa
Baroness Elsa
PROS
1. She's got that classy, reserved icy blond, Austrian nobility thing going on. I'm up for the challenge of making her bleat like a mountain goat!
2. Says wise and profound things. "Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun." I wonder what she'd say if she knew I was hoping for a nun who will never EVER be a lady?
3. Easy to end a date with. You don't have to launch into a whole song and dance routine, "So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, sayonara, shalom, etc." It's just "bye-bye bitch."
CONS
1. Not a performer and she's a bit selfish. I doubt she'd walk out to finish my song for me if I were to have an emotional break down on stage in the middle of some lyrics about a flower, which I know like the back of the hand of the Swiss Miss hot cocoa girl.
2. She doesn't really care for yodeling. Which means my best joke will be lost on her. "Knock-knock. Who's There? Lil Ole Lady. Lil Ole Lady Who?" Ha ha ha!
3. Given half a chance, she'll send all 7 of my children to Boarding School. Wait, this goes on the pros list.
Fraulein Maria
PROS
1. I definitely would know how to handle a problem like Maria. I fantasize about being her personal troubleshooter.
2. Has a mathematician background, is good with numbers and can count like nobody's business. "You are 16 going on 17." Maybe one day she'll star in a movie called "10" and introduce me to Bo Derek.
3. Won't be a chronic dieter like my buddy's wives. The only scales she's obsessed with are Do-Re-Mi.
4. I love a woman who's easy to buy for on Valentine's or Mother's Day. I have my list for Maria for the next 5 years -- Bright copper kettles, Crisp apple strudel, Warm woolen mittens, etc. And I don't even have to buy fancy giftwrap (brown paper packages tied up with strings) Easy to please. Aww screw it. Something tells me she'd be just as happy if I didn't cut the whiskers off kittens.
5. Somewhere in her youth or childhood, she must've done something good. She must deserve me!
6. Ever see anyone blush like that? I bet she'll make a beautiful blushing bride. Of course that could be because the train on her wedding gown will be so long and heavy, half of Salzburg will have to carry it down the aisle for her.
7. Whenever there's a thunder and lightning storm, she'll invite strange people into our bed. Mmm, kink is one of my favorite things.
CONS
1. She brought music back into the house. And now my kids play the Top 40 at decibels that would blow the roof off a Nazi regime.
2. Obsessed with puppets. Which means she thinks she can pull my strings.
3. She's not great with names. Keeps forgetting "Kurt." How will I feel if one night in bed she moans (off key) and says, "Mmm, that feels so good. God bless you, Whatsyourname?"
4. Tea, a drink with jam and bread. Seriously woman? Every single solitary time? I'm a Starbucks shareholder myself.
5. Hates whistles. I suppose that twisted Snow White fantasy I have of her singing, "Just Whistle While You Work" while sweeping the front porch in a Nun's habit is out of the question?
6. She might force me to wear boxers she stitches from our dining room blinds. Yeah, but that's an easy fix. Sell her Singer. It'll be curtains for that sewing machine of hers!
Hey! As long as I'm considering Thrifty Recycling Movie Heroines, I know a racy raven-haired vixen who also made her gown out of the living room drapes. Maybe there's a 3rd option here. Who says I can't be a Cross-Film Actor and marry . . .
Scarlett O'Hara
PROS
1. That 18 inch waist 2. Never worries about anything -- she'll think about it tomorrow. We all know what "it" is. Heh heh.
CONS
1. Oh who the hell cares anymore? Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
Any woman who can tilt her head like this without a neck ache is the one for me!
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