The guarantee is there is no guarantee – the key here is never to take anything for granted. I never assume that my husband will just be there for me forever; this keeps me on my toes so I don’t get complacent. It reminds me why we got together and why we fell in love in the first place.
Marriage and happy long term relationships are not a given, they don't 'just happen' to lucky couples, they take work, there can be a lot of pain, but there is always huge joy and laughter. I also believe that not every relationship is for the long term and it's absolutely NOTHING a person has 'done wrong’; it's part of life.
I also believe you create a special chemistry between each other over the long term that you cannot experience anywhere else.
It's funny as my girls don't think I have to 'try to do anything' now I've been married for so long, you'll always have Dad and be together - that isn't a given or a certainty - that's what keeps the relationship 'alive'.
I believe that we all crave to be emotionally loved, whether that is romantical, personally, with friends or business. But what happens if you can’t make that connection and how do you keep it going? I’ve done a lot of research far and wide finding out what makes couples tick, what keeps them together, how they stay happythe , deeply in love and emotionally connected. If you are unable to make that emotional connection it could really be because of an old emotional wound inside of you that needs healing; that’s always the first place to look in any relationship breakdown.
This is why self-love is absolutely key and imperative before we can move on to making those emotional connections with others we so crave. It is really worth focusing on yourself and discovering your needs, feelings, emotional and what’s hurting you. I spent years in ‘blame’ mode always looking outside of myself for the answers and blaming everybody and everything for my unhappiness. It wasn’t until I took a step back and decided that it wasn’t working and began a journey of healing my own emotional wounds.
I didn’t do this alone, I asked for help – the most courageous thing I‘ve done to date. And I keep asking, it’s how I grow. Once we are in a better space, loving ourselves with a positive mindset we can look at our relationships. I have been very happily married for 28 years and it really does just get better and better. If you’d told me that in my first year of marriage, when I was pregnant with my first child, married to a husband who was away at sea for up to 6 months at a time, miles away from family feeling very vulnerable and helpless most of the time I would never have believed you.
Being married for the long run is far more exciting and inspiring than that heart-pounding passion in a new relationship – the benefits are profound and you won’t experience this enrichment anywhere else in life. Go into the relationship with the goal of staying together – it is so worth striving for.
I have put together some of things that have helped Ian and I grow passionately together over time and also included some tips from couples all around the world. Whether you’re single, newly married or been together a long time these are all for you –
· Commitment – marriage is a life long unbreakable commitment – make this your goal at the outset, there is no guarantee of course. Think of your relationship as a life long process, one that never ends so you are constantly working on that commitment together, becoming part of your daily life. Perhaps commit to never going to sleep on an argument, as life really is too short. You will go through your ‘rough’ times and then you need to re-commit once again to stay on track. It’s this that will keep you growing together, not apart. No one can give you commitment, you can’t learn it or read about it – you have to do it yourselves.
· Communication – this is key, being able to speak freely to one another without fear of judgment, or recourse. Create your own relationship rules – start doing this right now, what works and doesn’t work for you, get it out in the open. Do not mind read. Turn off technology one night a week. Negotiate; do not complain. If you want a discussion ask if it’s a good time to talk, don’t just assume and go straight in there. Don’t take things personally and have respect for each other. Be kind when they are not. Be flexible in your thinking; be open minded in problem-solving.
· Priorities – make your marriage a priority above your children and work commitments. I shall never forget when I had my first child a midwife said to me, ‘Don’t neglect your husband, he’ll be around a lot longer than this little one’. I really hadn’t a clue what she was on about but looking back I could see I was beginning to shut my husband out looking after our firstborn’s needs. Put some boundaries in place so you develop a respect for yourselves and each other. Make time for each other every week whether it’s just some quality time together on the sofa, a drink or meal out, the cinema…..even if you don’t feel like to, go. You will both reap the rewards as time goes on.
· Love Languages – are you connecting emotionally with your husband’s language? How does he feel that emotional love connection – through physical touch, spoken affirmations, quality time together, gifts or perhaps acts of service? And how about you? Does he know what makes that connection for you? My top one is quality time and just 15 minutes of Ian’s undivided attention is enough for me to feel a huge connection. For Ian it’s acts of service, he feels so connected when I ‘do things’ for him. Play with this, discuss this together, see what comes up, there’s a dominant language for us all.
· Be Forgiving – Don’t argue over the small things in life, be flexible. Try and always focus on their positive things about them before you start yelling as to why they haven’t cleaned up. Life doesn’t go as planned and things come up. Also, bear in mind sulking or harbouring a grudge hurts you and him – talk it out. Whilst focusing on this remind yourself to show affection and appreciation every single day and don’t forget to say ‘Thank you’. Let each other know they are appreciated – you will want to do more for each other in the long run.
· Do Hobbies Together – You don’t have to share the same interest in life but start trying things out. For instance, Ian loves cars, football, watching thrillers and squash, none of which appeals to me. But we do go to the cinema, we cycle together, we run together, we enjoy meals out, we love to travel, camping and so the list goes on. So find common ground and build that friendship. If you don’t do this you’ll find you never have any fun together and all you’ll do is shopping and the garden perhaps.
Above is a snapshot of building those loving emotional connections we all crave in life. It takes more than just love to be happy in the long run – you need to be able to like and trust that person, to make choices as a team, to communicate well, to speak up about problems early on, to listen and empathise, to make each other a priority and to understand others might not agree with you.
If you’re struggling in a relationship, wondering how on earth to make that connection, haven’t any idea what to do next, feel lost or hopeless make one of the greatest decisions in your life – ask for help. You’re never alone and I’d love to hear from you.
