With everyone getting their panties in a bunch over last week's Kim Kard-ass-hian photo, I wanted to weigh in on the plight of the buttless wonders. I'm talking about those of us who aren't all about that bass. Like there's no chance in hell that we could balance a napkin, much less a champagne glass, on our tiny tushies. The legion of ladies whose asses are practically concave. Or more aptly put, flat.
Me in all my gluteus minimus glory
To be honest, I've never felt slighted in the derriere department. I have, however, been curious about how the other half lives. That's why I consulted some family members who have more junk in the trunk than I do, so I could get to the bottom of this.
(Bonus: Consider this a "Highlights Magazine" game and count how many different butt jokes and references you find. Tweet your answer to me for bun bragging rights - and yes, that last phrase counts.)
UPSIDES TO HAVING A FLAT BUTT
1. No Wedgies
Roam if you want to...roam around the world. But if you're my Fruit of the Looms*, you're staying put. Imagine a life without wedgies. I'm living the dream.
2. Nothing's Up for Grabs
No one's playing grab ass with me because let's face it - there's really nothing to hold on to. I'm like that claw machine at an amusement park where you keep trying to grab the stuffed animals, but they keep slipping out of your grasp.
3. You Get Caught with your Pants...Up
When you have an itty bitty bandonkadonk, your pants fit pretty well. Sure you'll get the occasional droopy drawers, but I'll take those over my underwear showing because my small waist has to compensate for my big booty. There are worse things.
4. No Caboose Catcalling
Unlike that woman who was taunted for 10 hours by catcallers, I've never had anyone hoot and holler at my heinie. I can pretty much wander the streets of New York without incident....except that time when a homeless man threw a beer at me.
5. No Bull in a China Shop
I can move freely around stores without knocking anything or anyone over with my undersized seat. Then again, it doesn't prevent me from knocking stuff over just by being naturally clumsy.
DOWNSIDES TO HAVING A FLAT BUTT
1. Extreme Fanny Fatigue
I know for a fact that my bony butt gets sore far more quickly than my counterparts. And if I'm offered a folding chair, that is a huge pain in the ass (literally and figuratively). No matter how many scarves, sweaters or coats I put under my tucchus, nothing can comfort my keister.
2. Nothing to Soften the Blow
I love ice skating, but when you fall and you have no padding on your posterior, it sends shockwaves through your body. Now I realize no matter how bountiful your backside is, it's going to hurt. That's why someone needs to invent The Butt Bowl. Like a cup that protects "the boys," The Butt Bowl protects your buns.
3. No Game
Apparently a big bum comes in handy on the basketball court for boxing people out. It can also secure you space on the dance floor like the girl who cheek checked me at a wedding recently. When she saw my scornful look after she butt in, she giddily said, "Sorry. I have no control over my ass." Thanks for rubbing it in.
4. Weight and See
If I've gained weight, sure I can feel it in my clothes, but I can also see it every time I look in the mirror. It's not lurking behind me where I can ignore it. Instead those pounds from Ben & Jerry's pints are front and center.
5. It Ain't Twerking
Let's be honest, if I'm channeling my inner-Miley or Nicki Minaj, it's really hard to participate. I'm only gonna be the butt (you're welcome) of people's jokes. Now don't get me wrong, I can shake what my mama gave me. You just won't watch it wiggle, see it jiggle...or really notice it for that matter.
So there's my very unscientific study on the benefits and bummers of really small rumps. Will I invest in butt implants, padded underwear or ass augmentation? Not a chance. I've accepted my rear for all that it is (and isn't) - even if it is an ass half-empty situation.
*Fruit of the Loom did not pay me to mention their finely-crafted unmentionables. Oh, and I don't wear Fruit of the Loom.