I had surgery last week, and my daughter announced to the entire soccer field: "My mom can't come to practice today because she is doing a poop test." I had to do colon prep, and wasn't physically able to make it away from the bathroom. I told her that I needed to stay close to the bathroom, and her interpretation was that I was doing a "poop test." Kids seem to have a knack for spreading family secrets and having a slightly skewed interpretation of our conversations. So if you ever meet up with one of my children and they tell you something, be wary of the source. Take their translation with a grain of salt.
Parents: "I'm not sleeping, I'm resting my eyes."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom takes a LOT of naps."
Parents: "I don't have any money."
Kids' Interpretation: "My parents are poor."
Parents: "Sometimes grown-ups yell, but they still love each other."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom and dad yell a lot and say bad words."
Parents: "I don't have time for that right now."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom works all the time and NEVER plays with me."
Parents: "My phone is for work. You can't play with it."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom's phone has bad words on it and she won't let me play with it."
Parents: "You can't have ice cream -- you're lactose intolerant."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom is mean and doesn't want to clean up my poop mess, so she won't let me have ice cream."
Parents: "I don't have any cash and I'm not buying that with my credit card."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom has a magic card that when she swipes it we get things from stores. She says she never has any money but she swipes the card all the time."
Parents: "This dinner is organic and good for you."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom makes me eat food that is yucky and smells like a farm."
Parents: "You ate 10 minutes ago. No snacks for you."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom wants me to starve. She never lets me eat."
Parents: "Why are you whining? Go play with one of the thousands of toys that you have."
Kids' Interpretation: "I have nothing to do and nothing to play with. My parents don't want me to have any fun. EVER!"
Parents: "Brush your teeth and get ready for bed."
Kids' Interpretation: "My parents are really mean and they make me do things I don't want to do every night."
Parents: "I'm going out. I will be back soon."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom put on pants today. Something serious is going on. She never puts on pants."
Parents: "Be careful going up the stairs, I don't want you to fall."
Kids' Interpretation: "I was at my friend's house and they have stairs. My friends are rich."
Parents: "I'll have a glass of white wine with dinner."
Kids' Interpretation: "My mom drinks wine when she eats."
Think twice before sharing secrets with your children, or saying anything at all. Kids have the ability to turn your words into tabloid news in a matter of minutes.
Meredith is a work-from-home mother of three who writes about the inappropriate side of marriage and motherhood on her blog at That's Inappropriate. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
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