How Legitimate Was My Rape?

TRIGGER WARNING: this article contains references to and information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

Sexual assault is justly considered one of the most serious crimes a person can be accused of. This makes it all the more critical to dispel any ambiguity over what constitutes "rape". To help you navigate through all the confusing, often contradictory definitions of the word, I present this handy questionnaire.

Am I Pregnant?

If YES, congratulations! You weren't raped. No less an authority than Representative Todd Akin of Missouri's 2nd congressional district says:

First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare [...] If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

Not willing to let such left-wing diversions as so-called "medical expertise" and "common decency" stand in his way, the good congressman is here to give all you ladies a refresher course in reproductive health. When a woman is legitimately raped (once the perpetrator has waited the required 6-8 weeks for his Rape License to come through), a microscopic set of steel hangar doors immediately seal her fallopian tubes shut, rendering fertilization impossible. Rep. Akin is currently running for Senate, so GET DONATING! It occurs to me that I neglected to mention his party identification, but that's probably unnecessary.

If NO, proceed to the next question.

Am I Married to the Perpetrator?

If YES, congratulations! You weren't raped. Pastor Ron Hamman of Alaska sets the record straight:

The truth is that God has given to us physical needs we commonly refer to as a "sex drive," and he has designed for these to be met within the bounds of marriage. The trouble comes when one spouse or the other decides to exact retaliation against the other because of some offense and withholds him or herself from his or her mate. This is wickedness, and such is a violation of the spirit of marriage on the part of the withholder.

I know you wish he wouldn't drink so much and keep hitting you, but fair is fair -- no need to take that out on him by neglecting your bounden duty as a household masturbatory aid. Nonetheless, I appreciate that some may find this position a little extreme, which is why I was so pleased to alight on this brilliant compromise proposed by Atghan Shia cleric Mohammed Asif Mohseni: you can refuse sex, but if you do, he can refuse to feed you. Everybody's happy!

If NO, proceed to the next question.

Did the Perpetrator Ever Direct Any Really Awesome Movies?

If YES, congratulations! You weren't raped. Now, this one can present difficulties to some. When you're a powerful Hollywood director and use your influence to get a 13-year-old girl alone with you, then ply her with drugs and forcibly sodomize her, you might think a description like, off the top of my head, "scumbag rapist" would be appropriate. But let me ask you something: Have you ever played a rape victim in a movie? Well, have you? I thought not. That's why you should respect the superior wisdom of Whoopi Goldberg.

If NO, proceed to the next question.

Have I at Any Point Ventured Outside Without Submitting My Wardrobe to the Authorities for Approval?

If YES, congratulations! You weren't raped. Toronto police officer Michael Sanguinetti sparked mass outrage when he told female college students to "avoid dressing like sluts" -- but why? It's good, commonsense advice. You see, ladies, when you reveal more than the socially-sanctioned amount of skin (the amount changes according to location, time of year, religion, social class, age and the kind of mood I'm in), you want it. I know you think you don't. I know it seems very much like you're saying "no", screaming for help, struggling, praying for it to be over and suffering internal injuries and long-term psychological damage, but deep down, you asked for all that. Your rapist was just obliging you. Why would you send him to jail for being a good citizen?

If NO, proceed to the next question.

Does the perpetrator really, really hate the United States government?

If YES, congratulations! You weren't raped. In fact, I think it's rather impertinent of you to raise the question, don't you? Don't you know how many innocent people are being killed by drone strikes? Don't you know about Bradley Manning? Don't you know about all the other, much more reassuring subjects we could change this one to? Julian Assange is a visionary who speaks truth to power. He has bigger things on his mind. That's why, during his address from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy, he didn't mention you or your accusations once. Why are you so offended? I'm just saying you don't matter.

If NO, then tough luck. You were raped. Well, probably, but don't worry. Courts always take the side of the accuser, they're well-known for it. In fact, your chances of attaining a conviction are... Oh. Well, you really should have thought of that before being born a woman.

Good luck!

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please visit for further information.