Society sends a mixed message when it comes to dads being equal partners in caring for their children. What do I mean by that? Well, my son had a small mishap on the playground at daycare recently that required them to give a parent a call. Although my wife and I are both listed on the contact forms, and I might even be listed first, they only called her --- despite the fact they only got voicemail. They didn't even bother to try to call me.
And are dads expected to come to pediatrician appointments? Sometimes it doesn't seem to be the case since they always seem to call the mother to confirm appointment times. Do they think dads are too busy to take the time to be involved in their kids' medical care? Why does the default seem to be it will be the mom who will accompany the kid? There have been times when it was just me who brought a child to the doctor's office and they've asked me about my wife. But if I don't accompany her, no one asks where I am.
I've mentioned before how at my suburban swim club, there is one "daddy and me" class while there are at least five "mommy and me" classes. Is it because there is no interest from dads or there is no interest because there is only one class to choose from?
So although society says they want us to be equal partners and intimately involved in our children's care, they don't seem to expect us to show up much or be available when there is a problem.
Although society says they want us to be equal partners and intimately involved in our children's care, they don't seem to expect us to show up much.
When my wife goes away on business travel, people still ask me if I need help for those days she is gone. There's the assumption that I couldn't manage my sons on my own. And even my colleagues seem shocked at times when I remark on what I made my kids for lunch. They seem shocked that I even made lunch -- as if men somehow can't make kids meals.
And for my friends who have had nannies, most tell me the nanny almost always only talks to the mom about the children's care. As if the dad wouldn't know or be interested in what's going on. I wonder, what do the mannies do -- maybe they have a different perspective?
The bottom line is it's hard to be involved if you don't include us or make us feel it's unusual to be involved in care.
It's hard to be involved if you don't include us or make us feel it's unusual to be involved in care.
And have you looked at any parents' magazines lately? Who's on the cover? It's almost always a mom. The one time I saw a dad on a cover this year was a celebrity dad -- with his wife and kids And having worked in media, I know these magazines target women. But the entire magazine is focused on moms. What type of message does this send to dads who want to read about parenting? There are some great articles in these magazines but most men are going to stop reading a magazine where every ad is about nail polish and jewelry
You know what I notice while watching cartoons and kids' shows with my children? Just like magazines, the commercials are focused on products for women. Now yes, there are many commercials about toys and learning resources. But the rest are cosmetics and women's products. I've never seen a commercial for men's shaving cream or tools. Doesn't this send a subtle message that only moms are watching this show -- and if somehow you are, then there must be something different about you?
You know who does call me though? The bank and other financial institutions. They call and email about setting up accounts for my kids or investment options. And if someone is looking for a coach, then the dads get some attention.
So let's stop forgetting about dad. And start treating us as equals. And don't presume which tasks are moms' and which are dads. Everyone benefits from dads being active in their children's lives.