How Texas Republicans Are Preparing America for the Apocalypse

It seems more and more Americans are starting to disapprove of the way Republicans are legislating. But that's just because they don't know what Republican lawmakers know: The end is near, people. They know that western civilization has had a good run, but that the party has to end sometime. So, instead of allowing their constituents to live in a bubble of quality education and ample healthcare, they've decided to do the noble thing and prepare us for the nuclear fall-out infused hellscape to come! In Texas, with a Republican dominated state government, they can finally show us the way:

Dumbing down education. For the children.

The first step in preparing our children for the end of days is education. Specifically, getting them ready for a total lack of it. You need to learn survival, and you won't get that through cushy jobs provided by a quality education. Quick! Name five ways to turn a three-day-old dog corpse into a delicious snack. Ha. Bet you couldn't list more than two. That's why Republicans cut over $5 billion in funding from Texas' public schools. So, with thousands of teachers laid off, a ranking of 43rd in high school graduation rates, 45th in SAT rates, and with 1 out of 4 children living in poverty, Texas will soon have an entire generation ready to battle the race of deformed mutants sure to overtake our cities after the smoke clears.

Poisoning the water supply. A thank-you would be nice.

When the entire nation is glowing that sweet, green glow of nuclear annihilation, Texans everywhere will be chuckling to themselves. See, they will have weathered the debilitating birth defects and throbbing brain tumors of poisoned water for generations. Lawmakers in Texas have approved a landfill to be stuffed with nuclear waste in West Texas, which scientists warn could poison the Ogallala Aquifer, which provides water statewide. To further prepare Americans for the end of days, Texas has embraced fracking. The process uses and poisons so much water that over 30 towns may lose their entire water supply this year. Getting accustomed to water free of feces and untainted by the tangy richness of nuclear waste sounds good on paper, but when western civilization finally crumbles and your stomach can't digest radiation-laced Dasani, you'll be in for a wake up call.

Keeping 'em uninsured, the way Mortok intended.

I've heard it a million times. Liberals whining about how Texas has the highest rate of uninsured in the nation, with nearly 63 percent of those who uninsured living in poverty. So, when the Federal government offered Texas billions to insure 1.5 million impoverished Texans, Republicans did the only honorable thing: They refused it. Come on people, do you think insurance is going to help you when radioactive spiders are burrowing into your cerebrum? No. You'll have to sacrifice a goat to Mortok the Almighty Child of the Sun like everyone else, you entitled mooch.

Keeping women in the home, and away from doctors. Because they care.

Texas Republicans know as well as anyone that once the thin veneer of civilized society is shattered we'll revert back to a simpler way of life. Much like the days of the Old Testament, when God spoke to man and women were property to be traded, valued somewhere between a mule and really, really nice mule. So, why get women used to fancy things like contraceptives or surviving childbirth? It's not fair. Not to them, or the hideous, multi-armed offspring they're sure to give birth to. That why in their zealous efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, Texas Republicans ended up crippling the Texas Women's Health Program, denying over 130,000 Texas women access to the most basic healthcare. So, while women elsewhere are complaining about lack of hospitals due to the end times, you ladies will be sitting pretty. Or dead. Probably dead.

Screw regulations. You're welcome.

Hey, remember on April 17, 2013 when that fertilizer plant in West, Texas exploded, killing 14 people? Of course you do. And remember how right after that the Republicans in Texas started examining regulations to find out how this was allowed to happen and prevent future tragedies? No? That's because it didn't happen. Instead, Texas focused on regulating vaginas. Regulations are all well and good...sometimes. Sure, most people wouldn't place a fertilizer plant that holds explosive materials across the street from a middle school and a hospital, but do you think anyone will be regulating anything the Age of Fire and Blood? When Mortok reigns over the ashes of our civilizations, we won't have time for regulations. After all, virgins aren't going to disembowel themselves on an altar of skulls.

So, cut 'em some slack, America! Because when Mortok one day rules from a throne of gore, you'll remember that Republican lawmakers did everything they could to prepare you.