Social gatherings. Hanging out with people, on purpose. Face-to-face communication. What a concept. It's a fad that has been sweeping the nation ever since it began back on the Boston Harbor in 1773. Some called it, "The Boston Tea Party" but I like to refer to it as just a couple of friends having a good time.
You're likely familiar with parties and such similar events. Perhaps you've heard stories from friends or the super cool jocks who ignored you in high school. Maybe you've even been lucky enough to go to one or two of these get-togethers. No matter your experience with gatherings of the social type, you are well aware that these social events are the most important component of life. Work doesn't matter. Family? LOL who needs 'em. If you're not spending every waking moment brainstorming, "How can I get people to think I'm cool when I'm in public" then there's a big big problem.
But, I get it. You're not always born "cool." In fact, there have only been a few reported cases of babies coming out of the womb listening to Blink 182 (the official music of cool ppl everywhere). No, sometimes you have to find your cool - without trying too hard, though, because trying is for losers (haven't you seen any movie ever?) You know who tries? Teachers. Doctors. The President of the United States. AKA lame people. Who should you strive to be when you grow up? Batman. The bassist of Fall Out Boy. Movie stars. Someone who gets famous from a stupid viral video of a cat. Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street. Justin Timberlake in anything. BRB NEED TO GO PUT ON A JACKET AND MAYBE SNOW PANTS BECAUSE IT JUST GOT REALLY COOL IN HERE.
But for all of you keeping score at home, you're probably thinking to yourself, "I'm not a superhero who dresses like a bat or a cat owner with too much time on my hands. I'm a nobody! I'll always be a nobody! What can I do?"
Well, I was once like you. Intelligent, well mannered, polite. And that's exactly the kind of talk you need to stop if you ever want to be a cool kid.
Which actually brings us to our first stop on the cool train, choo-choo all aboard except for people who think fruit is an okay dessert.
Our first topic is confidence.
Confidence
Confidence is extremelyyyy important at social gatherings. Confidence is what turned LL J into LL Cool J. Before he had confidence, ASAP Rocky was referred to as At-Your-Earliest-Convenience Rocky. For god's sake Flo Rida used to call himself New Jersey.
The point being, confidence can do wonders.
Easier said than done, though, right? It's not something you can simply develop overnight. It takes time. It's like using a Crock-Pot. The ingredients? Cigs, a Dave Matthews CD, sunglasses, and a spiral notebook filled end-to-end with "Entourage" quotes, so you are always prepared to rattle one off when sitting with your friends.
Here are some tips on how to exude confidence:
1) If someone makes fun of you, don't worry! It's not a big deal. Stay calm, take a deep breath, and punch them in the face.
2) Always sing the chorus of whatever song is playing as loud as you can regardless of if you know the words or not. Who even invented words anyways? They probably didn't even like football.
3) Don't be nice to anyone. Nobody likes nice people. This isn't Woodstock.
4) Disagree with everything everyone says. People love that. You'll be a hit.
5) If someone offers to pay for something for you ALWAYS SAY NO. Act like you're rich at all costs. NOTE: If possible try to buy whatever establishment you are in. i.e if you are at a restaurant ask the waiter how much it costs to purchase the entire place. If you are at a bar tell the bartender you want all the alcohol, All. Of. It.
*Bonus Tip: It is always a good idea to propose to a stranger. It shows that you know what you want and aren't afraid to go for it. You're a regular go-getter! Even if you get rejected (which you won't), people will be drawn to your confidence.
Also, never stand around a bee. It's impossible to look cool around bees.
Good. Great. Moving on.
Clothing
K. The way you dress is important if you want to be cool. If it wasn't then why would people spend hundreds of dollars on a single shirt. Try to dress like Kanye West, even to bed. Often times clothing will be the first thing someone will observe about you at a social gathering. Unique situations include if someone is blind, then they won't know what you're wearing unless your clothes are made of brail OR if it's an outdoor party that also happens to fall on the night of a lunar eclipse and the lighting is bad, then you may be able to get away with having ugly people clothes.
A problem I have encountered at some events is that 1) people can't tell how expensive my clothes are just from looking at me and 2) nobody really asks me how much my clothes cost. Maybe because they are scared to find out how cool I am? Regardless of the reason, one thing I have been doing lately is cutting off the price tag, saving it, and then ironing it onto the front of my clothes for everyone to see. I have found this to be very successful and highly recommend it. I have also wrote several letters to J Crew and other clothing stores suggesting that they begin to sell their clothes with the price tag already sewn on the outside, I believe this will save everyone time and make it easier for us to tell who is cool and who is not. No need for a standing ovation.
There are a few rules for how to dress at a social gathering. Though many are up for interpretation, one that is a must is the notion that clothing can and should only be worn once in a lifetime. Once you are seen in public wearing an article of clothing, said article of clothing must be burned immediately, preferably on open waters if possible. I don't even own a washer or dryer anymore.
Next. It's also always good to plan ahead in terms of what you are going to wear in public. I find it easiest to plan for a year at a time and keep a calendar (or six) accordingly. This way, in the long run you save time on the weekends when you need to decide what to wear out. This extra time can be utilized to make you cooler by doing things such as: practicing your pick-up lines in the mirror (ex. "Hey, I'm rich and have a whole cabinet just of fruit snacks"), fine-tuning your pregame playlist, taking posed snapchats, and more.
Note: Remember that if you truly have nothing to wear you can always look cool by wearing sunglasses indoor or a leather jacket or flannel. Girls: I can't really help you but sometimes some of you wear various styles of hats and that's kinda intriguing and makes me think.
Music
Music can make or break a cool kid. If I had a nickel for every time I've been in a car with someone and they've put on "Drops of Jupiter" and I've had to tuck-and-roll out of the car and change my number and unfriend them on Facebook purely out of fear of becoming uncool (because it's contagious).
Pause. Train has actually had a very successful run as a band and I wish them the best.
Unpause.
The Playlist
Building a playlist when hosting an event is one of the most stressful parts of life. Right in-between choosing what to order at a restaurant and starting a family. While tough, it's really crucial to take time when constructing a playlist. If you're really serious about being cool, you'll start building your playlist months even years in advance. You'll drop out of college early just to start planning for a party you're having when you're 26. That's the responsible thing to do. But how do you build the perfect playlist? It's not rocket science. It's way harder! Luckily you can follow these step-by-step instructions:
1) Get to know the demographic. Who's coming to the party? Study them. Stalk them. Is your ex coming to the party? Disinvite them. We hate them. You're better than that. Know each one of their iTunes libraries, the songs they skip, as well as the ones they listen to on repeat. How old are they? What concerts have they been to? What bands do they pretend to like? What song do they sing in the shower? All important.
2) Buy new speakers and also a new house. What's the point of having good music if you don't have a place to enjoy it?
3) If your new house has a swimming pool, please invite me over.
4) Compile the list of songs and construct the perfect order. Your playlist should act as a narrative. Maybe start out with something upbeat and well-known, like Taylor Swift. This will get everyone excited and into the party. Next, why don't you put on a throwback? Something nostalgic. Like some Taylor Swift. People will love that. Make sure to have security present in case one of your annoying friends says, "Who put this song on? This song sucks. I'm going to DJ." Stop calling yourself a "DJ." You're not a DJ. Get out of my party and go to jail forever please.
5) Now, you've got them right where you want them. Close with something memorable, something that is going to propel everyone through a night of crowded bars and late night food.
6) Sit back and enjoy being royalty and the most popular person ever. Congrats, you're a hero.
Miscellaneous Tips
Between your confident persona, dapper clothing, and exquisite music choice, you should be well on your way to being the coolest/most loved person in the room/world. However, just in case all else fails, here are some back-pocket tips to keep in mind when you're around people.
1) Name drop as much as possible. If you don't name drop people may just assume that you haven't met even one other person in your entire life.
2) If someone you deem as less cool than you tries to engage in conversation, ignore them. Pretend they're a ghost (without getting scared and calling the FBI). That's how the food chain works.
3) Don't talk about your feelings or show any emotion ever. This shows weakness. If you're on the phone with your mom in public and she says goodbye followed by "love you," throw your phone into the closest body of water and hope it breaks. This will leave you better off than saying it back. You're welcome.
4) When going to a party, try to bring a friend that is a minority. It's 2015. Yes, Jewish counts in this situation good question.
5) Always have snacks on you. When someone asks for a sip of your drink, instead of getting germs (totally not cool), just be like "Sorry, you can't have a sip of my drink, but can I interest you in this red velvet cupcake from my pocket?" or "No, I'd rather not give you my drink, but here's some leftover prime rib from dinner last night." I swear people like that.
6) Finally, just be yourself, unless you're not cool, then be anyone else, there's tons of people to choose from.
So there you have it. A foolproof guide to being the coolest person in the room and getting everyone to instantly fall in love with you. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. Stay focused, stay motivated, and stay in hotel rooms that are out of your price range. People will think you're awesome!