So my name is Dylan. I'm nineteen and I spent a year in junior college where I majored in... um... I forgot. LOL It had something to do with writing (I think) but I spent most of the time sexting my girlfriend in class so I don't really remember anything. Whatever. Seriously, who needs education when there's Google and Wikipedia?
So I quit school and decided to be an Internet journalist. Seemed pretty cool and I could do it at home on my laptop. My Dad asked me if I knew anything about journalism. He's old so he thinks people still have to know stuff. LOL. "No," I said, "but so what? I stream reality shows."
So it's really easy becoming an Internet journalist. Anybody can do it. You just start a website, give it a really impressive title like mine, "NationalNewsSpectrum.com," stick on a few Google-image photos of presidential candidates or some Middle Eastern shit or crashing planes and stuff so it looks real. Then you write some stories. You just make shit up. It's that easy.
So my first story, "Hillary Clinton Admits She Doesn't Know What a Taco Is," was totally bogus. I just made up an "Unnamed Source" and "quoted" him saying how he overheard Hillary ask one of her aides what a taco is right before she went into a Mexican restaurant in Arizona to shake hands. After that, I made up a few Hispanic leaders and "quoted" them saying they were outraged blah blah blah and BOOM!
So after I wrote the story, I posted it on Facebook and hoped I'd get a lot of shares, maybe even go viral. It did. You'd be amazed how many people on Facebook believe everything they read if it looks like it came from an Internet source. Thousands!! People who are gullible---like, say, everybody---will start thinking it's true.
So pretty soon, my taco story was all over the Internet. Other amateur journalists with websites like mine picked it up and ran it like it was actual news. LOL. Some "reporters" tweaked stuff so eventually the story morphed into, "Hillary Says She Hates Mexican Food," and then "Hillary Secretly Dislikes Mexicans."
Pretty cool, huh?
So there used to be this thing I once heard about called "fact-checking," but nobody does that anymore. What a hassle. Besides, who cares about facts anyhow? My Dad once told me Fox News doesn't care about facts and they're supposed to be a legitimate TV news operation with real reporters who studied journalism (waste of time.)
So once my taco expose got picked up, I Googled "hillary taco." and guess what? It was on Google like, maybe fifty times. Now everybody thinks it's true and it gets all over Facebook again and people start tweeting about it. SNL even did a skit about it.
So next, I decided to do a health-type piece. People love that shit. I called it, "British Scientists Discover Cancer Cure in Enzyme-Rich Dog Urine." I made up this UK college called Winterfell University, invented a few scientists (Dr. Stannis Baratheon, PhD) and "reported" that the tests had gone on for 20 years and involved 10,000 people. And so on. That one was picked up too. But this time I really lucked out---some NBC News science reporter talked about it.
Psych, NBC!!!! LOL.
So, what's the point of all this journalism, you ask? Money. Duh. Once you get a million hits, you attract advertisers and that's when the bucks start pouring in. I made $60,000 last year. No shit.
So now I'm doing so well at this, I had to hire my sister (she's 15) to come up with some ideas too. Here are a few stories we're working on right now:
"Bernie Says He Hates Maple Syrup: Vermont Voters Outraged!"
"Exclusive: Donald Trump Once Punched a Kitten."
"Doc Says an Overdose of Brita Water Killed Prince."
"Clinton Maid Reports That Bill and Hill Sleep on Bunk Bed. Who's On Top?"
"Dinosaur Bones Found With Human Skeleton Nearby."
"Palin's Mom Says She Dropped Sarah on Her Head 30 Times When She Was a Baby But Not on Purpose."
"Newly Found Documents Suggest That Queen Victoria Might Have Been a Man."
"500,000 Bernie Supporters Say They Will Vote for Grover Cleveland in 2020."
So check out my website, NationalNewsSpectrum.com. Oops. No, I mean look at it. Don't actually check it out.