The D*ck-tionary You Need To Decode All Those Crappy Texts

Your A-Z guide to the anxiety-ridden language of texting.

Text messages are deceptively simple -- so few letters, yet so much time spent on anxiously decoding what they mean.

According to a previous Pew study, Americans who texted four years ago were sending on average a whopping 41.5 messages in a typical day -- and that data is from 2011! Today, there's What's App, Facebook Messenger, Kik, Snapchat messages. Recent reports says we're sending 30 billion What's App messages every day worldwide, plus 20 billion SMS. 

You would think that with such constant texting, we’d have this form of communication down to a science. But there are some phrases in texting lexicon that can irk, perplex and worry the most tech-savvy of us, and for good reason. As Kelly Conaboy wrote in Gawker last week, "It’s easy to interpret any standalone affirmative response as a sort of 'fuck you' if you’re paranoid enough, or if you deserve it."

Well, fret no longer. We decided to analyze the meanings behind common crappy texts, particularly those standalone, anxiety-inducing responses that seem to contain a multitude of meanings. If you’re guilty of sending these phrases to people, stop -- it’s a dick move. If you're presently rehashing an incredibly maddening text, read on.

I’ve just had the most boring epiphany ever thanks to you.

You’ve reduced an idea to it’s simplest, most moronic form. But I’m not going to even attempt to go into the nuances you've missed, because they’d just go over your head ... again.

I couldn’t give less of a shit.

The opposite of definite -- probably the most uncertain affirmative. I'll probably forget this conversation in a few minutes.

I don’t care much -- just enough to let you know how uninterested I am.

Short for “for what it’s worth.” I’m using this to preface a statement that is, in fact, utterly worthless.

great (no exclamation point)
I’d rather die. A verbal slap in the face.

I’m bored, lazy, and possibly horny. I took on the weighty task of texting you first, so it’s now your responsibility to carry this conversation. Timing is also a factor here -- the later into the night someone sends this salutation, the deeper the hole of desperation.

I can tell
you think what you said is interesting, but I don’t. I might also be trying to convince you that I’m paying attention, but I’m really catching up on "The Walking Dead."

just sayin’
I’m using this phrase following an offensive remark to protect myself from any thoughtful critique or debate.

The irritatingly upbeat cousin to the nihilistic “k.” This is the Tracy Flick of text messages. 

Don’t be deceived -- there's a high probability that I am not, in fact, laughing out loud. But you’ve said something that I find somewhat amusing, or I simply don’t know what else to say.

I hate it/you/everything. A stronger form of “eh,” graduating from casual indifference to active dislike. 

I’m oozing nonchalance, usually in response to thank you. The more effusive and sincere the gratitude, the harsher a “no problem” abbreviation feels. 

I just had an epiphany -- you're an asshole. I’m offended, but I won't actually come out and say that. 

I’m too busy and important to include that last syllable. You’re likely here to do my bidding, or I just want to make you feel that way.

QQ (crying)
It's time to quit, you crybaby. 

rly sry
I’m not that sorry -- I didn’t even care enough to properly spell out this apology.

I am offering nothing yet expecting everything from you. I am a brick wall and have a hard time being vulnerable.  

This is my perfunctory expression of gratitude. You did something that (a) means nothing to me, or (b) was your responsibility, so I truly don’t owe you anything.

I don’t even know where to begin with how wrong you are.

I'm the picture of chill yet still want to communicate that I feel strongly about something. 

who dis
I’m agitated, yet intrigued that I don’t know who you are. Or I know exactly who you are but want to make you feel worthless and forgotten.

I haven’t learned how to show affection since high school so I’m going to go with this old standby rather than develop my communication skills as an adult.

You just asked me an obvious question, you idiot, and I hate you.

I’m not really sleepy or sleeping (unless I have a rare condition in which I can lucidly dream text), just bored out of my mind.

Finally, in order to capture the rich language of SMS, we have to address the texts that speak volumes with mere punctuation.

Why haven’t you responded to me yet? Helloooo? Or I have no words for the weird thing you just said. Following actual words, this means, "I don't want you to feel to comfortable, so I'm ratcheting up the suspense in this conversation."

I disapprove of whatever you just said, but I’m also going to leave you in the dark as to why.

What the what? I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.


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