You've been with Facebook since you were a teenager. Sure, there was a brief fling with MySpace. But, let's be real, Facebook was your first true love. For a while, things were sublime.
Now Facebook's just gone too far. Toying with your emotions in the name of science, taking up all of your time, eating away at your self-esteem and learning all of your most private thoughts and feelings.
It's creepy and you're ready to say good-bye.
Not everyone will want to sever ties completely with Facebook. Some will still require the occasional late-night booty call; others may want to keep their options open or "stay friends." Here are a few ways to end your relationship with Facebook in ascending levels of severity:
Level 1: Break up with your Facebook app
If you're ready to break up with Facebook, but don't mind seeing it at a party or hanging out with it in groups, you should just remove the app from your iPhone. Doing so will help you stop absentmindedly checking the site at the bar, while still allowing you to see Facebook in other contexts.
All you iPhone users have to do is hold your finger down on any app's icon until the apps start to wiggle around. Then just tap the little "X" on the top left corner of the Facebook icon to delete it from your phone. It's no big deal, and if you change your mind, you can always re-download it.
Level 2: Block Facebook from your computer
Is Facebook still distracting you? Then maybe you need to block it on your Internet browser entirely. Those using Google Chrome can do so by downloading the free app BlockSite.
After you download the app, just navigate to Facebook and right-click. You'll see something like this:
Click "Add current site to blacklist" and you're done. Next time you try to navigate to Facebook, you'll see something like this:
To get access to Facebook again, just right-click (control-click on Macs), go to "Block site" and hit "Options." You can remove any blocked sites right there.
Level 3: Deactivate your account
You're serious about ending this relationship for now, but could honestly see yourself getting back together with Facebook after you've gotten yourself figured out a little bit more. Maybe Facebook will change. Maybe things will be different in a few months.
If you want to deactivate your account, just click the little padlock at the top right corner of your screen. Hit "See More Settings."
You'll be presented with a page called "Privacy Settings and Tools." Click "Security" on the top left.
Then click "Deactivate your account" at the bottom.
At this point, Facebook will start guilt-tripping you. "Are you sure you want to deactivate your account?" Facebook asks on the next page. "Deactivating your account will disable your profile and remove your name and picture from most things you've shared on Facebook. Some information may still be visible to others, such as your name in their friends list and messages you sent."
Facebook then shows you five photos of your friends. "Tom will miss you." "Kelly will miss you," etc. It's a little desperate.
Finally, you get to tell Facebook why you're deactivating. If you want to explain that it's not Facebook, it's you, maybe you can do so in the "Please explain further" section?
Level 4: Break up. Forever
This is just not working out, and you're 100 percent sure you never want to see Facebook again.
Deleting your account is serious business. You can download a copy of your Facebook data before you delete everything, but after that you will not be able to access anything you have done on Facebook afterward.
To download your data, go to "Settings" again, and click "Download a copy of your Facebook data."
When you download your data, you'll get your messages, chats, photos, posts, videos and more. Now it's time to delete your account. If you're ready, go to this link and hit "Delete My Account." It's actually pretty easy. Just remember: This one is permanent.
Level 5: Throw your phone/computer into the ocean
You just can't trust yourself not to meet back up with Facebook at a local dive bar, and it's time for you to remove the temptation and drown your electronics.
Don't think that Facebook isn't trying to find you. It is. Facebook bought drones. It's expanding internationally. Run.
If you have access to an ocean, great. If not, find a fountain or a lake. Tell Facebook how you feel, making sure to be honest about why you can't go on. Then throw all your electronics into a body of water. Wait four to five minutes. Then turn back toward home.
Level 6: Go underground
If you've broken up with Facebook and thrown all your electronics in the ocean, but somehow it still finds you at your friend's house, burn your money. Pack up your clothes. Say goodbye to your friends and family. Head to the bunker. It's the only way.
Goodbye, Facebook. Goodbye forever.