This one cuts deep. But hard facts lead us back to the truth of what we didn’t want to know. They are just not ready.
Crush, burn, crumble and several other less polite verbs.
I have hit my head against the wall of non-committal relationships several times - OK, hundreds. There comes a point in them where we have to decide if the relationship is good enough or not. I mean, is it acceptable to continually not get everything we desire, to settle for a level that we know we are capable of going beyond, or to continue to wait and see if they change… just a little longer.
The beauty of falling in love always captivates me. I am an all-in kind of woman. One who doesn’t question whether it will work out, but who throws herself into a new relationship with absolute faith that it will.
Perhaps I need to start questioning this approach because I haven’t been getting the results I am looking for.
At mid thirty I do not ‘live’ with a partner and for the last 5 years that has bothered me. What I have wanted is to cohabit with my mate in a shared space, full-time.
My desire to commit at a deeper level to someone is rooted in my wish to grow. There were years of my life (30 of them) when I knew firmly that solo living was for me. I adored my autonomy.
That got boring.
I needed a new challenge.
My heart keeps crying out, ‘please, let’s give it a full-on go!’ Apparently my partners’ hearts have not felt the same.
So what do we do?
We try to change their minds, of course. We attempt to convince them that they want what we do. However, we seem to choose lovers who are more stubborn then us.
To be frank, this conundrum is not their fault. Our partner has usually been honest. We are the ones who have not. We stay after we request more and don’t get it. We go against our own words, and we get disappointed.
The truth is, they have what they want. Their space and us.
But don't we require a mate who will take all of us and not just the conveniently timed parts?
This is where the choice lies. Do we stay in this part-time relationship and honour their level of capacity or do we leave and honour our own?
And this is exactly how we face this kind of heartbreak. We step out of our deeply carved denial and we realize this situation is not personal. Our lovers are in a different place then we are, so what are we going to do?
Relationships take a lot more than love. They take timing, honesty and the willingness to meet each other – this is nothing we haven’t heard before, but have we actually gotten it?
If we don't do anything when we are stuck with a situation that doesn’t fit, we are continually pinned between our opposing desires. Not because we are a victim, but simply because we aren’t getting what our heart has called for.
As we mature, running away from truth no longer becomes our game. Deserting our self isn't a viable one either.
To speak our needs to our partner is scary as s**t and following through with what we request can be even more intimidating. But we are adults and it is to keep reaching for what we really want.
Emotionally unavailable alliances do not need to be our eternal fate.
This is the way to confront wanting more than our partner can give; we don’t let their limits stop us from getting what we need. We maintain active participants in our desires and we either shift our perspective to suit the current situation – I mean a total transmutation where we choose no resentment or hurt towards them – or we move on.
Standing by passively is no longer an option. If the voice of our need cannot be met, we have other roads we can follow. We get to choose.