What does it mean to be sexy? Our culture, expressed through media and entertainment, sends the message that only women who are young, beautiful and thin as a rail are sexy. I say that's a lie. Books, television shows and movies all suggest that only young couples who have just met are enjoying fabulous sex. I say that's a lie too. All married women should feel sexy and enjoy intimacy with their husbands, yet so many women struggle in those areas.*
What does it mean, or rather what should it mean, to feel sexy? I think it means that we're confident and positive. That we stand up straight and walk confidently. That we take an interest in other people and make them feel comfortable. That we understand the meaning of true beauty - rather than "Hollywood beauty." That we make the most of our appearance, without worrying that we aren't 25 and a size 4. That we take care of our bodies so we feel comfortable in them.
Think about the people you consider to be sexy. Is it always the most beautiful woman or handsome man? The thinnest person? The one with the most fabulous clothing? I don't think it is. Often it's the most confident person, the one who makes people feel good about themselves, or the one who is passionate about something.
So why do we apply a different standard to ourselves, requiring that we have perfect hair, skin, bodies, clothing, marriages, or whatever before we consider ourselves to be sexy? I have no idea, but we are way too hard on ourselves!
What's holding you back from feeling positive about and enjoying your sexuality? Do you hate your hair or skin? Do you think you're too fat? Are you worried about stretch marks? Do you fear your clothes are too frumpy? Do you compare yourself negatively to other women? Do you think your marriage has to be perfect before you can enjoy it?
If you answered yes to any of those (or similar) questions, believe me, I'm with you. I constantly battle the worry that I am not attractive enough. On most days, I hate my skin or hair or both. I'm not overweight, but I'm not really happy with my body either. But, I want to feel sexy and enjoy sex with my husband, so I do things to counteract those messages. I exercise almost every day and eat a fairly healthy diet. I wear a little bit of makeup. I stand up straight. I try to focus on making other people feel good, rather than focusing on myself. I read books and blogs that present positive messages about sex and intimacy in marriage. Sometimes I do well with these things, and sometimes I fail miserably. But I keep trying, because I believe the outcome is worth the effort.
Ideas for Feeling Confident and Sexy
- Move your body every day (walking is great)
- Stand up straight and act confident (even if you don't feel it!)
- Share your passions with people
- Try some new makeup that plays up your best features
- Invest in an item of clothing that flatters your coloring and figure
- Buy some new lingerie and wear it - something you like, that makes you feel good
- Invest in a good haircut
- Read a book or blog that presents a positive view of sex in marriage
- Take charge by initiating something fun with your husband
- Use candles or dim lighting in your bedroom,
- Try some sensual essential oils
- Put together a sexy music playlist and listen to it regularly
- Allow yourself some time to relax and regroup from the stresses of the day
(And, if your husband needs some insight into things that would help you feel sexy, send him my article for husbands - How to Help Your Wife Feel Sexy Again.)
*I understand that many women are struggling with serious issues that affect their sexuality, issues that are beyond the scope of this article. If you are in that situation, I encourage you to seek out professional resources that will help you address those issues. You deserve to feel confident and sexy too, but you may need some help to achieve that goal.
Also published at CalmHealthySexy.