How to Find the Light in the Breakup Tunnel

How to Find the Light in the Breakup Tunnel
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I have never been good at breakups; it always felt as if I was going to die a certain death. I even have a hard time accepting other peoples breakups.

I always tried to appear strong, as if I could handle anything, but every time someone left I was that hopeless girl laying on the floor in oceans of tears while the world outside just went on as mine was caving in. I was the one writing poem after poem with the undercurrent of prayer in each line. I was the one walking the tightrope between begging him to stay and demanding him to go never quite sure which I wanted more, a constant battle between my head and my heart.

For outsiders I always appeared pretty calm, cool and collected but those on the inside knew my torment and rallied around me each time I’d crash and burn, again and again. I swear it always felt like I was the girl in the beginning of ‘’How to Lose a Guy in 10 days’, the one everyone would have to come console after a relationship would end because I just couldn’t pull myself together. Bringing over boxes of soft tissues and cartons of chocolate (almond) milk. This happened even if I was the one doing the breaking up. What is even worse than getting your heart broken by someone you really liked or even loved is breaking the heart of someone who really loves and adores you.

Why can’t I just get it right? Why does it always end this way? What is wrong with me? Am I going to be alone forever?

Well here is what I discovered after breakup number…(.I can’t even remember what number now), It was never really about them. I mean there were a few that made it hard to let go, qualities, characteristics, quirks and love that I was sure to cherish and miss but more than anything it was a loss of hope and a loss of what I believed love and life should look like. It was worrying about what everyone else would think when yet another relationship failed. It was feeling as though I was supposed to be in love and that was the only way I would ever find happiness. It was losing the idea of the white picket fence and 2.2 children. I felt like a failure, in love and in life. I felt not good enough, that I just wasn’t lovable, that I was not meant to be loved in a romantic way or that I did not have the capacity to love in such a way when someone was showing me the love I had desired and I rejected it. Rejection, there is another big one. I don’t know one person who has not suffered the debilitating blow of rejection at least once in their lifetime. Rejection is something we take so personally and yet dish out just as personally. We know that when we reject someone a lot of the time it is simply about what we want, need and desire and it is not so much about the person whom we are rejecting. “It’s not you it’s me”, am I right? We are honouring ourselves and yet when we get what feels like rejected we come up with a million and one reasons of why we weren’t good enough instead of accepting that we just were not meant to be on that path with that person anymore and respect that they are honouring their own path too. We truly can be our own worst enemies.

I knew with every crushing fall that came with each break up that something finally had to give. I could not be this girl for the rest of my life crying on the bathroom floor because another relationship did not work out. Here is what I learned to trust and believe in: Not everything is meant to work out and that is OK. We have this idea of forever in our mind and heart and we sometimes project it onto the next suitable candidate without inquiring much further into whether or not we even want to spend our version of forever with this human. We have a habit of glorifying something that is not always as beautiful as it seems because of what we want so badly in spite of what our heart and soul are telling us about the truth of the situation. We forget sometimes to enjoy the ride instead of gunning for the final destination.

We create an ideal of the person we want to be with and we dress up the next available, or maybe not so available, suitor with these beautiful hopes and dreams and expect them to rise up to meet us with our heads in the clouds and when they don’t quite rise up we fall from cloud nine crashing into earth with a reality check we could not have imagined. These falls hurt a lot, they hurt because not only are we losing our suitor but everything we conjured up about them as well. We have to begin again and it becomes hard to believe that someone almost as great will come along again in this lifetime.

But the truth is that as long as we are building people up to be something they are not then there never truly will be someone that great because they will never truly be real. They will be an ideal, a fantasy and a fleeting memory.

We ignore our intuition about someone because they possess some of the qualities we are looking for and can’t accept that maybe they just aren’t the one. Fighting our intuition only leads us down treacherous roads with rocky dead ends. If we want true happiness we first must begin within. No person is ever going to fit into our ideals and expectations if we don’t first do the inner work that is needed for us to be whole for ourselves without relying on someone else to do that for us. That is a lot of pressure to put on someone we barely know to begin with. Relationships can help us grow in ways we would never be able to do on our own but if we use them solely to fill voids we are neglecting to address on our own then every time we will be set up to fail and find ourselves suffering the same inevitable defeat time after time.

Break ups suck there is no doubt about it and I make no attempt to pretend that there is only a shining light at the end of the tunnel. What I do intend; however, is to serve a reminder that although the tunnel is dark and scary at first, there is a light at the end and if we choose light over darkness and take the steps towards it then breakups, although awful in their own right, can also bring about a lot of beauty, understanding and growth in ways we otherwise may never have found.

In the beginning days after a breakup it is important to allow ourselves to feel. Feel it all and in feeling it we can start to listen in to what it is we are truly broken up about, what it is that is hurting our hearts. Is it them? Is it the plans? Is it the hopes? Is it rejection? Is it low self esteem? Is it not giving ourselves grace and love? Is forgiveness needed? We can learn so much about ourselves, who we are and what we truly want if we allow ourselves to dig a little deeper and do the work that is required of us to grow spiritually from these experiences.

Everything truly happens for us if we can make that shift in our perspective to see things a little differently than we once did.

We cannot control other people or their choices to stay or go if that is what’s in their heart and their path but we can control how we act and react and how we choose to learn from these situations.

A great thing to also remember when it feels you are being rejected is that you are actually being redirected to something better and more suited for you. Let go of what was and all of your expectations so you can allow something beautiful to come in and flourish with you, not for you.

The next time someone comes into your life you can recall the lessons of your previous breakup and ask yourself, do I really love this person or just my idea of them? What expectations am I placing on them and how can I change that so I can love them exactly as they are? And remember that even if this is not “the one” they will still bring to your life a love and/or a lesson that you can always grow from.

[If you need to chat about your breakup please feel free to send me a message: info@janinefournier.com, you are not alone xo]

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