The world gets crazier every day! If you’re like most ladies, you know that cuffing season may be over, but the plausibly impending apocalypse is only six months in! You’re looking for someone to snuggle up for the end of the world with- but how to get that perfect man to adore you forever? We over here at “self righteous human on the internet” had some thoughts.
1. Presentation
First: you! If you want to get a man to adore you, you must be absolutely sure you possess a wardrobe which is both overwhelmingly arousing, while impeccably pure. We recommend a sexy nun’s costume for this purpose: the voluminous habit will also allow requisite room for a fanny pack full of medical supplies, as-given the state of North Korean relations-nuclear winter could begin at any time.
Relatedly, hitting the gym roughly 5 hours a day is recommended to get that sexy body he’ll adore to distraction! This is doubly important, as-given that civilization could implode on itself at any second- the healthiest physiques have the most formidable chance of resilience. You’ll get him saying, “wow! There is a woman who is both physically enticing and likely to survive world war three!
2. Conversation
To get a man to love you, conversation is very very important. You should casually drop names like “Trump” and “congress” to let him in on the fact that you are a very informed lady who keeps up with current events! Don’t sound too informed, though, as the state of the world can veer too quickly into gloom, doom, and depression. Make sure to laugh at all his jokes, and keep a general spirit of levity central to the conversation!
Except for his opinions on the 2016 primaries. Those you must agree with in an almost semi-tragic tone of respect. Be ready to say either “Gosh, Bernie would have won!” or “Those crazy Bernie bros gave us Trump!”, depending on his position. Never ever imply that such speculation is currently futile and self serving! Remember: America may be almost on her last legs, but he is still a man, and men only fall in love with women who agree with them on everything.
3. Accomplishments
Men like talented women, so make sure to tell him about some of your goals and achievements! Normally, we’d add “but don’t have TOO many!” but very shortly none of that will matter! So say whatever you want, and maybe even make some up! Men love women with the illusion of intelligence, and given the nihilistic nature of current affairs he’s less likely to be intimidated by anything you claim you’re interested in doing. Make sure to strategically list other skills, too! Casually mention your urban survivalist class, or phase as a doomsday prepper.
Men also like fun women. Make sure you are a fun woman by engaging in fun date activities, like bowling or dancing! While you’re at it, subtly work in all the board games you’re super duper good at, for that moment where you two will be inevitably be trapped in a bomb shelter with literally nothing else to occupy your time.
4. Sex
Remember: never ever ever sleep with a man on the first date! If he gets fresh, just tell him politely and firmly that you’re saving yourself for the end of history, so you may more efficiently repopulate the planet. Remember: a man who really loves you will respect your need to preserve your empty fertile uterus as a survival mechanism. When society inevitably devolves into rome being sacked by the visigoths, women with potential reproductive value will have an evolutionary edge. The right man will understand that!
At the end of the day, ladies, have fun! Don’t take him, or any of it, too seriously!
Who knows? Maybe the dawn of a new political order could be a good thing!
Maybe America’s next iteration creates a culture which respects women!