I was so proud of myself that Halloween. Costumes purchased at a deep discount the year before, faces painted, hair curled, hot chocolate and caramel apples! I thought it was the beginning of a new Halloween me. It...was not.
Fall is upon us and so it is time for me to have at least one “This year I will get Halloween right!” manic panic moment. If you’re wondering if there is a way to get Halloween “right”, you may fall into one of two categories.
1. You are a much more well-adjusted individual than I can ever hope to be. The odds of this are very, very high.
2. You are just as mal-adjusted as I am but you don’t have children in elementary school.
Okay, wait. There are three categories.
3. You are one of those anti-Halloween zealots that also boycotts Harry Potter because you think the devil helped write it. If you’ve found yourself in Category Three then you are probably thinking,
“You can’t get Halloween right because it is all Wrong.”
And I’m like,
“Yeah, good point. So are you dressing up this year or….”
I don’t want much. Just, you know, a general approximation of the Halloween in Hocus Pocus. With the bales of hay, fiery foliage, a crisp fall night, bespoke costumes and bobbing for apples. Without the bullies, angst and wholesale murder of children by witches with truly enviable cleavage. (Hey, Category Three People...what are your thoughts on witch cleavage? More or less offensive than just regular old cleave?)
This year is my eighth year as a M.W.H. or a Mother Who Halloweens. I’ve experienced my fair share of:
October 31st Instagram surfing Wow! @sheiladoesitagainbutyoualreadyknewthat actually built her son a functional Death Star to wear. She really did do it again.
Costume-centric passive aggressive shaming from other parents at school “Oh, you haven’t chosen your children’s costumes yet? I’ve been working on Elspeth’s costume since April! She wanted to be a Banksy inspired mash-up of Edith Wharton, Frida Kahlo and The Women’s March, so I knew I just had to get started right away.”
Just enough of my own pretension Hey kids! This year we will study the complex pagan history of All Hallow’s Eve instead of watching It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! Wait. Why are you crying?
Rough stuff.
Through perhaps too little trial and too much error, I’ve finally figured out how the truly mediocre holiday-maker parents among us can have a totally perfect imperfect Halloween. And guess what? At no point are you going to have to carve 18th century lacework designs into pumpkins to achieve it.
Take a deep breath. No matter what you do or don’t do, this is a day about costumes and candy. Stop trying to gild the freaking lily.
Simply avoid dusting in the month (or two!) leading up to October 31st. Atmospheric cobwebs served up on a budget and with no effort. I got started on this one in July, so yeah, I’m pretty committed.
Do not buy into the ‘No Sew Halloween Costume” tutorials. Seen everywhere from Martha to Hipster Blogger Extraordinaire, these are not homemade costumes “for the rest of us”. They are studies in torture by origami and death by a thousand glue gun burns. Absolutely all of them require scissor skills no person without a hearty interest in cutting all the things all the time can possibly possess. Attempt something like the Coffee Filter Fairy Godmother and I promise you, and perhaps your child, will cry. You will also end up in a truly decimated Target costume aisle on October 30th searching for anything that will fit your first grader. Do you know what Target has to offer you at 9:59pm on the night before Halloween? Mostly dog costumes. I’ve been a “dog costume on my kid” mom before. It’s a humbling place to find yourself.
Embrace the Playground Costume Parade. I know, I know. Elspeth’s mom really did nail the Wharton/Kahlo/March mash-up. The kid looks like a star. You know what? Good for her.
We’ve all got this in different ways.
My way just happens to include Amazon Prime and you know, less...work. You, too? Great. Embrace it. Point at your kid spinning around in their last minute, mass produced (possibly originally intended for a dog) costume while loudly saying things like,
“We chose to be sustainable this year. Did you know that polyester netting can be repurposed to humanely catch possums? It’s also an amazing yogurt strainer.”
Get just one Halloween picture of your kids. It’s best if it’s blurry and they are running away from you. When you post it to Instagram, just caption it with something like,
“I can feel their childhood fleeing further away with each passing All Hallow’s Eve.”
You’ll get all the faves and will escape most blowback about the fact your daughter is embracing gender stereotypes in her pink princess dress. (Of course, there will be at least one comment along the lines of, “Oh, she’s a princess! So sweet. You know, my daughter chose to go as a gender-neutral representation of the future cure for cancer.” You cannot escape this comment. Do not try. Do screenshot it for posterity.)
Give up. Okay, not completely. Making childhood fun is fun. And we all do it differently! (Looking at you, Origami Costume Moms and Dads!) But what if we gave up all the nonsense that doesn’t make it fun for us, too? What if as parents we just decided to work with what was already in our topsy-turvy (haunted, maybe) wheelhouses?
What’s in my wheelhouse? I’m absurdly good at ordering costumes online, goofing off while trick-or-treating and then reading a few spooky stories. I’m also fairly proficient at stealing my kids candy while they sleep. I’m giving everything else up.
Exorcising the demons of Pinterest, Instagram and my own stupid expectations means I’m actually able to have fun with my daughters. It isn’t be as pretty as a monochromatic stacked pumpkin tableau tablescape. But honestly, what is?
Meg can be found on megconley.com, twitter, fb and instagram