How to Properly Implement Campus Carry

In June, the Texas Legislature passed Senate Bill 11, which permits the concealed carry of handguns into public university classrooms -- officially validating the stereotype that Texans are gun-toting cowboys. The intent of the law is to give college students the right to feel like they're Clint Eastwood when faced with a potential active shooter situation. Still, despite this new opportunity for heroism students, faculty and staff are upset that campus carry even passed through the legislature, but it's law now, and, as elected representatives of the student body, we have been asked to help develop the plan to implement it. We hope universities will listen to some of our suggestions so that campus carry is implemented as safely as possible.

Many professors are terrified by campus carry, claiming that allowing guns in the classroom will hinder their ability to freely discuss volatile subjects. They say they might be intimidated into giving out only good grades, due to fear of being shot over anything lower than a B. We think the solution to this issue is to install a large Plexiglas frame at the front of the classroom, behind which the professor can teach. It would be sort of like those Plexiglas partitions that protect attendants at your local gas station, except instead of the transaction being for a Wild Cherry Slurpee, it's for the free exchange of ideas and opinions. Think of it as a Popemobile but for your statistics professor.

In hours of testimony and in thousands of letters, community members have expressed that they don't want guns on campus. So as an alternative means of self-defense for those who don't like guns but want something just as deadly, we propose that they be allowed to carry rattlesnakes in our classrooms. And for anyone wishing to defend themselves from said rattlesnakes, we'll have to allow the carry of badgers. But if the badgers get out of hand, we'll have to bring in dingoes. And now honestly we've opened up a can of worms that can only be fixed if we bring in guns to end this animal infestation, because guns, we now realize, are the only solution to everything.

Another issue the administration must deal with is how to clearly mark the areas that will remain gun-free zones. Students and faculty have complained that the signs required to demarcate gun-free zones will actually lead to an increased sense of anxiety. It's sort of like when someone walks up to you and says, "Don't worry; I'm not going to punch you in the face." To fix this, instead of marking off areas that are gun-free, universities should mark off the people who are actually carrying guns. Schools could require individuals who decide to carry a gun to also wear a dunce cap so that everyone else knows whom to not piss off. Of course, this could cause some confusion with the very small percentage of people on campus who already wear dunce caps but do not intend to carry a gun. In this case, the university should provide those individuals with a new dunce cap that has text on it reading: "Don't worry; I'm not carrying a gun."

Some people are also angry by how much it'll cost universities to enact campus carry, but those people aren't seeing the many potential revenue streams on which universities can capitalize after implementation of the new policy. For example, universities can make Kevlar vests featuring the school's colors and insignia to sell at orientation. Textbook companies can make textbooks heavier, with titanium-reinforced, bulletproof book covers. Universities can also sell school-branded gun holsters -- that way you can stylishly represent your school while also carrying a dangerous weapon. These are just a few of the ways that universities could implement campus carry while also increasing revenue and school spirit.

Still, if we want to honor the wishes of the majority of students, faculty, staff, and administrators, who for some reason don't want guns in our classrooms, there is one way to make sure firearms are banned from campus altogether: universities must install wet bars in every campus building. State law prohibits the carry of guns in places with alcohol licenses. Once these buildings are equipped to sell alcohol and professors become licensed bartenders, it will be illegal to carry guns in our classrooms, so long as alcohol constitutes more than 51% of sales in these spaces. So really it comes down to what we'd rather allow in our classrooms: guns or alcohol. Keep in mind: selling alcohol in our classrooms would also be a substantial source of revenue. Who doesn't want to sip on a White Russian while learning about Dostoevsky?

And to those who are still upset that campus carry became law, realize that it was because state legislators thought it was in our best interest, even though we made it very clear that we really did not want this. If there's anything to take from the passing of campus carry, it's that elections matter. If you're going to elect people who don't care about you, you're going to get laws that don't care about you. Starting August 1st, 2016, campus carry will go into effect in all public Texas universities. Until that happens, remember that many universities currently ban fake or prop guns on campus, because such guns would unnecessarily cause fear and misunderstanding -- so you better trade in that NERF gun for an actual Colt .45 before the August 1st deadline.