For some of us, dating feels like an endless search for something that has alluded us for a long time.
How do you know when it's right, when you've met somebody who you want to commit to, want to have a relationship with, want to get to know?
What are the signs that it's right?
First, I want to start with a confession. Never, in my entire time on this planet, have I ever had a conversation about a committed relationship.
I want you to digest that, because I get hundreds emails from people asking me when they can talk about whether they're in a committed relationship with the person they're dating.
I've never had that talk. I've never had that conversation. I've never needed to have that conversation, and I'm going to explain why.
Because when it's right, it's right.
When you meet somebody and you know it's right, the conversation just flows. You're not thinking, you're not worrying. You're talking and exploring one another.
You're getting to know each other. You're getting comfortable with each other. You also know that this is the beginning of something amazing. So you take your time and don't force anything.
There are all these rules that you read. We must kiss at the end of the first date. We must find a way to hug, kiss, and have a make-out session.
At the end of the second date, you must kiss a little bit more.
At the end of the third date, you should try to sleep with them.
Who came up with these ridiculous rules? When you know it's right, you're savoring every single moment.
I've been out with people who I haven't even kissed on the first couple of dates. Maybe a peck on the lips and a hug. Because I'm savoring every moment with them, every conversation. Getting comfortable and knowing that the kissing and the sex is just an outcome.
People connect and get to know each other when it's right.
Conversations that flow are what I'm looking for. I like to get to know somebody, really listen to them, hear their words and their stories, and learn about them.
As for the kissing, touching and sex, when you're comfortable with somebody, when you're free and you can talk about anything, how do you think the kissing and the sex is going to be?
It's going to be absolutely amazing, because you're savoring the moment.
When it's right, you realize it. You realize this is the exploration time. This is the time to learn about the way they think and the way they move, and the way they do things. This is the time to learn about the things they really want to be and do.
I find that too much of the time we're rushing the sex. We're rushing the make-out sessions. We're rushing the intimacy.
In reality, it should be no rush of anything. There are only going to be a few firsts in every relationship.
Those first few days when you talk into the wee hours of the morning.
The first few times you kiss. The awkward, first kiss. The warm kiss when you first learn each other's kissing styles.
The first time you actually sleep next to each other, and hold each other in each other's arms without having sex.
Then the first time you make love. There are not many firsts in relationships, so why do we always want to rush?
When it's right, it's right. It flows. It's an exploration of two people excited to be around one another.
An exploration of two people excited to get to know each other. An exploration of two people sharing stories and life, insecurities and fears. Two people feeling safe in each other's presence.
That's what it's all about. It's about feeling safe. It's about feeling secure. When you do, the kiss, the touch, the love making is superior to anything else.
We force intimacy so fast that we've known somebody for three or four dates, and all of a sudden we're having sex with them. We don't even know them yet.
Once you start having sex, it clouds things, because it releases all those all those endorphins, and Oxytocin. It starts clouding your judgment.
Why rush anything?
When you're an adult, the beauty is finding another adult who you vibrate with on that same energetic level. When you look into each other's eyes and say, oh yeah, you and I are going to do many things together.
There are not many firsts.
The first conversation is about a vacation you want to take together as you playfully want to get to know each other. As you playfully talk about things.
Those firsts are so precious. They're the building blocks, the foundation of a new relationship. So why rush the intimacy when the intimacy gets better and better the more you build that solid foundation.
So next time you meet somebody, and it feels just right, don't rush anything.
Savor every text. Savor every conversation. Savor every exploration of each other's mind, of each other's beliefs, each other's emotions.
Savor it all, because when you do, and then you finally kiss, and you finally make love, it's going to be an amazing exploration based on a total comfort with each other. Because you realize you've met somebody amazing.