Dad was a no-nonsense kind of guy. When he said "Jump," I stayed in the air until he said I could come down. But he was fair. As for me and my brother Joe, if we simply lived by the rules and responded in a respectful manner, we were allowed to keep our natural teeth.
It was a healthy upbringing, all in all. Plenty of love and laughter to go around. And this philosophy of honoring your parents was one that I got to learn second hand without the inconvenience and bruises that usually accompany rebellion.
Granddad was six feet three inches tall and weighed three hundred pounds. Also no non-sense. As a wee tot, the only word I remember him saying was "C'mere." I'm not sure that is even a word but I was there in a jiffy.
He walked wherever he went, no matter how many miles. He took biscuits out of a hot oven with his bare hands and pulled his own abscessed tooth with pliers. Lest you think this is all made up, it ain't.
What gets into the mind of a 15-year-old boy that makes him think he is a man before his time? Dad had gone to bed one night and left the light on. Granddad told him to turn it out. Dad said, "If you want the light out, you can turn it out yourself."
What happened next is forever burned into my memory, even though I did not see it because I was not present. Also, I had not been born. In less time that it takes to say, "miscalculation," the two of them stood face to chest. The younger grabbed to older by the arm in an attempt to pull him forward and connect with a manly right hand punch.
To his great surprise, the old man did not budge. To quote the younger, "I felt like I had grabbed the trunk of a tree." A second of silence ticked by in order to let the reality of the situation sink in. Dad woke up a week from the following Tuesday. Lights out.
There are probably several lessons to learn from this but I only learned one. Don't be a smart aleck and you won't get knocked through the wall.
The easiest way to learn life lessons is to observe the actions of others. In this case a potential pattern of disrespect was stopped dead in its tracks. Had it been allowed to continue, it could have become a family trait, passed down to me and my siblings. As it is, I reaped the benefit of observing the outcome and choosing a different path.
Establishing respect for teens is a common dynamic in most families but for some, the behavior challenges are much more complicated.Unhappiness, anger, bickering, poverty mindset and anger are often passed down from generation to generation like a family heirloom. It's easy to fall into those patterns. When bad behaviors are accepted as the norm they can become habits of lifestyle and thought.
The great news is, we can change. We can stop any destructive behavior no matter how long it has existed in our family. By observation we can ask ourselves, "Is this working for their benefit or taking them down a road of destruction?" When we see behaviors that causes poor health and mental distress, we have the power to take note and do the opposite. We really do have a choice.
In his Psychology Today article, "The Power of Habit," Tomothy A. Pychyl Pd. D. explains that understanding the option to change is the first step. "Once you understand that habits can change, you have the freedom and the responsibility to remake them. Once you understand that habits can be rebuilt, the power of habit becomes easier to grasp and the only option left is to get to work."
I am thankful to my Dad for telling me the story of how he learned respect. It saved me a lot of grief and some dental work. I learned much from him. How to set boundaries, how to stand up for what you believe and how to not be swayed by the opinions of others. He was tough but the kindest person I ever knew.
This respectful tone was passed down to my kids and consequently to theirs. Everyone is happy with that. Now if we can eradicate the warped humor pattern, we'll be all good.