When you're broke and uninsured, the fear of needing a doctor can send a person into a spiral of depression that can only be cured with prescribed medication.
I'm here to tell you, don't despair. With all the advances in healthcare, science and technology, these days you really don't need a doctor.
Say you've got a sore throat. Google it. Thousands of of websites dealing with sore throats will come up. After hours of research and cross-referencing, you'll probably conclude you either have seasonal allergies or a lethal strain of swine flu. Google seasonal allergies and swine flu. Read everything you can about their causes, symptoms, prognosis and cures. Delve into the heartwarming stories about seasonal allergies and swine flu. Learn which celebrities have had seasonal allergies, swine flu or pet pigs. Find out who they're dating, their favorite designers and how they stay slim. Chances are by the time you've thoroughly researched the topic, your sore throat will be gone.
If the ailment persists through the diagnostic process, or worsens, you might want the option of seeking medical attention. Not so easy without health insurance, money or a non-maxed out credit card. This is where the government steps in to protect you after all the years you've paid into the system. In some states, those in need can qualify for free health insurance for a specified period to be provided by the state or county of residence.
The application procedure is relatively simple.
1) Stand in line for one hour to make an appointment at your county health services office.
2) Fill out pages of forms divulging your deepest darkest secrets.
3) Stand in line for two hours for an 8AM appointment along with 50 people who also have 8AM appointments.
4) Wait inside in a room with 50 other people for your 8AM appointment to start at 11AM.
5) Discuss your deepest darkest secrets with a stranger.
6) Wait six weeks.
7) Repeat the entire process one month later because they seem to have lost your paperwork.
You could qualify for six months coverage. You might want to consider becoming blind or pregnant in order to increase your chances.
The only catch with the state program is your plan will expire by the time a doctor will see you (if you haven't died by then). Try to plan your medical emergencies well in advance.
Of course, there's always the emergency room. They're obligated by the law and Hippocratic oath to treat anyone who needs it. Just make sure not to bring any ID unless it belongs to someone else. And always act as though you have amnesia, even if your problem is a broken toe. This way, you won't be bothered by constant phone calls and threats from collectors that will make you wish your broken toe had been fatal.
It's always wise to take preventative measures. Since you're not working, you don't have to go outside much and risk exposure. But for those rare trips outdoors, always wear a helmet, non-porous gloves and a germ mask (free latex gloves and masks are available at your nearest hospital--try to get an insured person to pick them up for you, since hospitals are riddled with germs). Avoid dangerous activities like breathing, eating and crossing the street.
Helpful generic replacement suggestions for costly prescription drugs:
Xanax, Valium and other sedatives -- Vodka
Antibiotic and antiviral drugs -- Vodka
Prozac, Zoloft and other anti-depressants --Vodka
Codeine, Vicodin and other pain relievers-- Vodka