What I want for my girlfriends is what I want for every woman, including myself. Yes, I want this for us all. I want women to cultivate their own love, at their own speed, on their own terms.
I'm a firm believer that for those who won't linger greater love will come. What this means though is we must each be there to meet this greatness and recognize that it is valuable, too. We must each let go when necessary and trust in the natural progression, that there is a point to it all. We must tune in to life. We must stop wishing. Stop backpedalling. And, perhaps most importantly, stop regretting. For God's sake, we each must take a bite out of this glorious day.
Here's how you can begin. If you see someone--a friend, a stranger, anyone--cursing the day beneath their breath and already a grump before noon, interrupt them. Ask what's going on? I did this on Monday with a guy making my morning shake. He had all the elements to be incredibly (and notably) attractive but he straight up looked miserable. I could barely stand to see it a second longer. So, I didn't. The reality is it was impossible to ignore and to overlook anything makes me feel like a phony. I said something. I said, What's up? You look upset and that's got me wanting to jump over this counter and somehow solve it all for you. His head was down. I kept talking. Hey, I said. You've got two hours till noon and at noon you can change the whole day around. At that, this guy's head swung up and he had the most gorgeous smile. Seriously, gorgeous. The guy looked like a completely different person. He even had something to say. We chatted and by the time my shake was in my hand the guy seemed to have shaken his disdain off with a laugh and, yes, with that gorgeous smile of his, too.
The point is to insert yourself where you might be needed. Don't ignore the obvious. But make sure to read the situation well, too. When I called the guy out on his misery, I wasn't being aggressive, though my words were direct. I was being bold, yes, but bashful, too. And it worked. It helped. He smiled. He temporarily forgot how pissed he was at his coworkers. The coworkers were probably pretty thankful I chatted him up, too.
Listen ladies, I believe it is our obligation to get ourselves grounded, to get ourselves healed. But I also believe we've got to get better at keeping people on their toes. We've got to get serious about our passions, yes, but in the process make strides toward becoming more playful with ourselves, too. The last year has convinced me that every person wants YOU to BE THE ONE who can break up their day, who will acknowledge them, surprise them by extending yourself, by reaching out with curiosity and care. It doesn't have to be for a lifetime. Your interest can be immediate. It can be small and simple. The effect, however, can be long-lasting.
How many times have you heard someone say that they just want the next person they meet to restore the faith in them that "blank" is possible and "blank" is good?
As a breakup coach, I hear this all the time. All the time. And I'll tell you what I think about this. I think we are always in the position to be that person who restores faith, who makes others feel what is possible. I believe we can turn a life around by just speaking up. So, for instance, the next time you're standing next to someone who smells nice, I dare you to say so. If it's a woman ask her what she's wearing. Tell her you need to have what she has on. If it's a man tell him you hope that's his signature scent.
You want to notice people and people, of course, want you to notice them, too. Imagine how you might feel if someone even slightly suggested that there was something about you worth pointing out. By the way, that someone feels at ease enough to just approach you is, in and of itself, a compliment. Don't minimize the simplicity of such a gesture. If this is something that would make you feel good then that should be enough to inspire you to give to others what you wish to be given. So, go for it. You don't need to say what I would say. By all means, say something that's more "you." But hold yourself to it. Promise you'll speak up the next time you notice something you like about someone. From there, the perfumed person will charge their day light on their heels. That's a fact. I don't need a stat sheet to back me on this.
Now how else can we begin to heighten our odds for greater love? Well, we can begin ditching all that's unwanted sooner. What you sit with, you become. What you sulk in destroys you. Do not let your frustration become your focus. There's plenty to be fascinated by in this world, what robs you of your spirit should not be capturing your attention hour after hour. Quit doing this to yourself! We must protect our magic. We must learn to live for ourselves again.
When I first heard the expression "one day at a time," I resisted it. I couldn't fathom taking something so slow. I also didn't want to have to work on something each day. I wanted to gain something today that would fix me forever. Impossible. Slowing down and living for today is actually what has saved me. It is what has all together made me appreciate everything that goes into the big picture and what has also made the dreamier realities feel attainable, too. At a time when I was making my way through an emotional and codependent battlefield, "one day at a time" became the mantra that taught me how to become compassionate toward myself. I didn't have compassion before. And the truth is, I can't flourish without it. Neither can you.
If you need a goal or a focus to work toward one day at a time, I've got one for you: Stop making excuses for behavior and outcomes that have hurt you. Implore less. Don't fall back on needing to know why someone treated you a certain way and generate options instead. For example, if you feel betrayed, say I'm going to start to resolve this by doing "X." I'm going to acknowledge my feelings by doing "Y." Maybe the whole of point of this is my learning "Z." My favorite is that last one. Again, no more backpedalling. No more stalling out. Be done with the excuses. No more for them and especially not for you. Also, use your intuition earlier on. Because early on, as women, we are more likely to act on our own behalf and in our own favor.
If this sounds tough, I only say it because I want us women to sober up and begin shooting for our star. And I know this is the quickest, if not only, way. I am not blind to the resistance in us all. The desperation. The sad way we will work ourselves to the bone, forcing this or that to be like we want. Forcing him to be the one. Forcing this job to be the one. Forcing ourselves into thinking that this chance is our only chance to make it happen. False. There is a oneness to everything, a rightness. But there isn't a forever or only one way to step into the future. And that doesn't make anything less worth it. Of course it is worth it. It's all worthwhile. Even that aching, breaking heart.
We've closed our eyes too long. Let's open them, shall we? Let's accept life as it plays out. Trust that whatever happens isn't happening to you (read: victim mentality) but is happening for you. Call it surrendering or embracing, whatever you choose to call it, practice it. Be as sincere as humanly possible and then, with that, accept life as it happens. Don't get caught up in the "whys" of the world. Let the pansy go. He was meant for then but he isn't meant for now. That doesn't mean he wasn't right for you or that he won't be right for your future. But for now, the smartest possible action you can take is to give into what goes missing. And when you feel like you've lost something, remember that you can always gain valuable insight. I say can because the only thing standing between you and understanding is yourself and your acceptance.
To keep yourself from lingering, to keep yourself available to greater love, you must give into loss. Give into the prospect that life is moving you along. Align your mind, body, and heart with a sense of flow. Honor the shelf life of a mate. And honor your timeline, especially, too. Develop a passion for believing in yourself. Let that be your spiritual practice. Practice honoring who you are right now. Where you are right now. And honor what is around you, too. The people that stand beside you are beside you because their choices have led them to the exact place your choices have led you. Don't be invisible and don't treat others like they are either. Commit to that, to acknowledging the reality that is before you. Commit to a more nuanced way of thinking, to thinking that what is special is here, available to you, right now.
Practice picking up on this specialness all along. Start here. Begin with this. Start by trusting in this message, that it is meant for you, that it is meant to move you forward, to help you take hold of the next moment in a new and brave way. Trust in what hurts you, that what hurts you is happening for you, that it is either protecting you from something or creating in you a drive toward something that is greater, that you haven't yet explored, that you haven't yet opened yourself to, let alone believed possible for yourself. Trust yourself enough to keep going and to be excited about the direction you are headed. And please take a moment to make someone else feel recognized and better also. This, more than anything else, will begin to bring greater love into your life.